Backstabbing, Controversy and Anger...Just Another Day In Corporate America

So tonight is my last night working the overnight shift. Starting Sunday, March 1st I will be back on days working my old 3-11:30pm shift. Of course, this has had its own set of drama attached.

First of all, there is the Joe factor. In all 5 years we have worked together in this crew he has NEVER voluntarily worked this particular shift. Now he has traded with me twice to work it when I really needed to be off. Once to take a final and the other when my uncle died. Both times he hated it and said he would NEVER work that shift again. Now he has volunteered to work it 6 weeks straight?! I know it has to do with the husband. Just another thing Joe has changed to be in that relationship. It just boggles my fucking mind.

So now I got to figure out how to work with him 3 days a week for the next 6 weeks. You see I am bottom in seniority and I don't get to choose what shift I want, I get stuck with whatever is left. And of course with the 3-1130p shift being such a shitty shift, it is usually last to be filled. Luckily the last time I got bumped out and went to days which turned out to be a nightmare when Joe ended our friendship. I ended up running away to overnights to get away from him. But anyway....

Second of all, there is the trade issue which is a two-fold nightmare. You see Fashion Show picked the 12-830p Sun- Thurs shift which Joe has been working. There are no Mon-Fri night differential shifts. She decided to trade all her Sundays away because she is a highly involved in the church and needs her Sundays free. She has asked me before when considering picking the 12-830p shift if I would trade with her and I always said no because I didn't want to take money out of Joe's pocket. This time she took a chance and picked the shift before asking anyone to trade with her. She usually works the overnight shift and was nice enough to trade the entire month of February with me when I needed it. Which is a rare thing for her, but I know she mostly did it because it benefited her.

Anyway, this brings us to the first issue with the trade. Fashion Show was going to originally ask another co-worker to trade all her Sundays with her. But then she didn't get a hold of him and offered them to me. I jumped at the chance since it meant more money for me (we get paid more for working Sundays) and it would put my days off together instead of split. Of course at the time, I didn't know she was going to offer the days to him first.

When he found out, he became livid. Said he hated this fucking crew and it was filled with nothing but a bunch of backstabbers. I was floored. I didn't intentionally take anything away from him or anyone else. And it was partly his fault anyway.

The day Fashion Show was trying to get a hold of him, he was playing a game. You see he was sick of everyone coming in late and him being the only one there on time. So he decided that every Saturday he was going to come in late on purpose. So when Fashion Show tried to call him, he was not there. Fashion Show told another co-worker she was trying to get in touch with him and why. They gave her his direct number and she waited. So when she tried again to get in touch with him and didn't, she called on the main line and got me. That's when she offered the trade to me. I did not seek her out and she never told me she was looking for him. She just offered me the trade and I took it. Eventually, it took the other co-worker that originally talked to Fashion Show to convince him that I did nothing wrong. That I had no idea Fashion Show was going to offer the days to him first and that he would have done the same thing in my shoes.

The second issue came a few days later by Chatterbox. She feels that Fashion Show should not be allowed pick shifts with premium pay (that is what they call Sunday pay) and then trade them all away. That she is preventing others from getting that pay and it personally bumped her out of getting a prime shift because of it. This of course made Ms. S and The Menace tell me that they'll have to look into the complaint. Which makes me wonder if I will get to even keep the trade after all.

To begin with, while Fashion Show's behavior is ethically questionable, it is not illegal. Secondly, Chatterbox has no guarantee that she would have even gotten that prime shift anyway. There are too many people between the two of them seniority wise and as much as the people in our crew change shifts, Chatterbox has no idea what shift she will get from one six weeks to the next.

The whole ordeal has left me sick to my stomach. I told Old Lady Red & Bull Horn that had I known ahead of time what kind of crap I would be caught in the middle of, I wouldn't have even bothered to trade. Old Lady Red told me not to let them get to me and prevent me from making my money. Then the one co-worker that was originally defending me was telling me that I didn't have to be in the middle of it and I could give my Sundays up to the other male co-worker. That made Old Lady Red mad. I was just shocked. Like he would give them up to me if I was upset or he was in the middle of all this controversy?! He would work them and ignore everything.

Hopefully my managers will look into this situation, like they look into everything else....ignore it until it becomes an issue again...then ignore it again. Old Lady Red says they cannot take them from me. That they would have to change the whole trading policy. That although what Fashion Show did is irksome, she is entitled to pick whatever shift she wants and do whatever she wants with it. I just wish all this shit would go away. Makes me want to get out of this ridiculous, nightmare crew even more.

Too Damn Emotional

So I left work yesterday so angry my face and ears were burning. I had a for shit night ending with a "discussion" from my manager regarding an incident that took place over 2 weeks ago. I ended up calling a technician friend of mine as I drove home. We will call him Good Ole Boy. He listen to me rant for 30 minutes then had to go and start his work day. I thanked him for listening to me and wished him a good day. He responded that that's what friends are for. All I could do was sigh in response.

I had a hard time falling asleep today. I think I finally fell asleep sometime after 4 pm. When my alarm clock went off at 9pm, I woke up irritated and emotional. The idea of coming in to work today just had me in tears. The thought of facing Joe, arguing again with other departments and having to defend my work actions just seemed like too much for me to handle. I sobbed all the way to work.

But I came to work and discovered that Joe wasn't here. I was so relieved. Then Old Lady Red informed me that it was just going to be me & her working tonight. I told her how upset I was and burst into tears again. She told me I am just so emotional right now that everything is affecting me when normally it wouldn't. That maybe I need to see someone to take something. She said that anything I couldn't handle tonight to just refer to her. I thanked her and immediately began working and handling my assigned area for the next couple of hours.

When everything was caught up, I went down to Old Lady Red's desk and we were discussing with someone from a different crew the pending possibility of a strike next month. Our work contract is up on April 4th and it is rumored that we are expected to strike for approximately 3 months. I said I wouldn't cross the picket line but many others I have spoken to have said they would. I've been saving up money and I'm not too proud to go work at McDonald's if need be. Of course my first thought was, man I could use a break from this place. I immediately felt guilty afterwards. Hoping for a strike just to get a break from the bullshit is just...well...wrong.

Old Lady Red and the other co-worker have been with the company since the 60s and this will be their 3rd or 4th strike if it comes to pass. They were telling me stories of how much they made back then and that there wasn't a strike fund and that they remember getting a $25 food voucher for Safeway grocery store once.

It was mentioned that the public may not be very receptive of our going on strike. With the economy being as bad as it is and so many people looking for a job, that we may come off as greedy and spoiled. But of course it all is about perception. If we present a reasonable and sound argument, then it will be the CEOs and company itself that comes off greedy and abusive. But there is a fine line there. You throw out too much negativity and it can come off as exaggerated propaganda. But bascially, there is nothing we can do right now but try to save up money & make the necessary arrangements to survive if the strike does take place.

So I came back to my desk and continued working on a project my manager Ms. S gave me to do the other night. I was not in the mood to work on it the past 2 nights, but I knew my time limit was ending and I needed to have the email sent out by this morning. Old Lady Red came down to my desk and helped me a little bit with it. I finally got it completed and emailed off with a lengthy note attached. Cause you know I am anything but brief when it comes to the written word. :-p

So far it has been an uneventful night, which is what I desperately needed. Tomorrow night it is just supposed to be me and Old Lady Red again. And it will also be my last night working the overnight shift. I will miss the laid back atmosphere but I guess it is time to get back to reality. And maybe facing Joe 3 days a week will finally either put me over the edge or help me get over our ended friendship. I guess we will soon find out.

Lost in a Fog

I suck at metaphors and analogies. But one that I tend to use a lot is the comparison of dealing with situations to that of being lost in a fog.

When you are in the middle of something...whether it be a bad relationship or tragic event or what have you, you tend to be so blinded by the situation that you cannot see what is right in front of you kind of like being lost in a fog. Someone standing outside the situation can see clearly what you need to do and how to overcome the obstacle, like a person can easily see how you can leave the fog standing outside the foggy region. They can tell you where you need to go and whatnot, because they are not stuck in the thick of it just trying to survive.

I feel like I am lost in a fog right now. And the more I try to get out of it, the deeper and more lost I become. And everyone on the outside is telling me to go here or go there in an attempt to help me, but I can't seem to follow their directions. I think I am at the point where I just want to stop and wait for the fog to lift on its own. No more fighting it or trying to navigate through it. Just stop and rest...wait for the fog to disappear. And if it doesn't then I can take the time I stopped to rest to gather up the strength to begin trying to navigate through it again.

I don't know. I am having a bad day. I did not sleep well when I got off work yesterday. You see Joe volunteered this week to work the shift directly before the one I am working right now. So for 30 minutes we have to see each other. I was not prepared for it and it has really gotten to me. No words have been exchanged. I pretty much do not exist to him. I was able to stomach it Monday & Tuesday, but tonight when I came in I just had to run away. I hid for those 30 minutes until I knew he was gone. I called my mom and cried to her over the phone during that time. As soon as I saw him pull out of the parking lot, I returned to my desk.

My absence was noticed. And as soon as I returned to my desk my co-workers asked me if I was okay. I told them I wasn't and the reasoning behind my disappearance. They figured as much and asked me to come down and speak with them. I did, but nothing has changed. I sound like a broken record saying the same shit I have been saying for weeks now. I hurt, how can he just throw me away, blah blah blah. I am so sick of thinking about and I KNOW they are sick to death of hearing about it. Anyway....

I am lost in a fog.

Definitions & Consequences

According to Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary friend is defined as 1 a: one attached to another by affection or esteem b: acquaintance 2 a: one that is not hostile b: one that is of the same nation, party, or group 3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity) 4: a favored companion.

Karma is defined as 1 often capitalized : the force generated by a person's actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person's next existence 2: vibration

I am a big believer in what goes around comes around. A few years ago when Ghetto Queen stole that money from my work crew, eventually she was paid back by the loss of her job. Now I never wished it on her. I have never wished for anyone to lose their lively hood. But she jeopardized her job on more than one occasion and it finally caught up to her. Another co-worker of mine tried to get me fired once and about a year later she was fired instead.

Both of these people I had thought of as friends. They both did me wrong and eventually paid for it. Which makes me wonder. Will the same thing happened again? I don't wish for it to, but I wonder if it will. A year from now, will I look back and think he got what he deserved?

Self Reflection

I was a latchkey kid. You know one of those kids with the house key hanging around their neck. My parents divorced when I was two and my mother struggled to raise me. She told me that she never wanted kids but had me because my father wanted kids so badly. So then she wanted a little boy and was of course disappointed when she had a girl. Then my father ended up leaving her for another woman. So here was my mother with an bi-racial kid that she never really wanted and had no idea how she was going to support.

I spent a lot of time alone growing up. My mom worked and went to school. And when she had a boyfriend, I didn't exist at all. The only time she ever paid any real attention to me was when she was lonely or had nothing else to do. I guess that is where my fear of abandonment stems from.

Anyway, so I was left to my own devices for entertainment and food. I lived on frozen dinners and TV. I grew up watching all those family sitcoms like The Cosby Show, Family Ties and Growing Pains. I lost myself in the idea of the ideal family. I didn't realize how much those sitcoms influenced my life until I was older.

They taught me things. I learned about self respect and manners. But they also gave me a false sense of reality. I thought that all 2 parent families were supposed to be loving and nurturing. And as I got older I searched for that ideal family to fill the void of not having one.

When I left home at 15, I went to stay with my estranged father. We had not spoken nor seen each other in about 8 years. When I stepped off the plane he first called me fat, then proceeded to inform me that he was not about to change his life just because I was there.

After a very brutal summer together, I came back and moved in with my aunt and uncle. I had spent many holidays and summers with them and thought I would be welcomed with open arms. Didn't happen. I was made to feel like a tolerated burden.

During my 3 years there, I found a friend that I thought had an ideal family. They had sit down dinners every night by 7pm. The parents were loving and my presence seemed much more welcomed there than at my own home. They took me out to eat with them all the time. The mother even bought & stocked their cupboards with things that I liked to eat.

I thought I finally found a family. My friend was the one that took me to get my license. And her mother was the one that took me prom dress shopping and helped pay for it when I was short the money. They had a large picture of me hanging in their living room right next to their own daughters. After my own aunt kicked me out of the house shortly after high school graduation, they took me in and helped me get a job. During my college years, the grandmother used to write me letters. The dad got me an opening at his job during the summer. I spent all my holidays and breaks that I wasn't working at college, in their home.

But when I graduated from college, not one of them attended the ceremony. My aunt and uncle and cousins all came, but the people I thought of as family didn't. Then within 6 months of my moving back home, the family completely fell apart. The grandmother died (I was living with her at the time). The mother left the father for another man. My friend (who moved in with me after her grandmother died) lied to her mother and blamed me for how the father found out about the other man which almost got me kicked out of the house (it was her maternal grandmother's home so technically it now belonged to the mother). Shortly after the holidays, me and the friend had a falling out and she asked me to move out.

The whole thing left me devastated and lost. I thought I finally found a place where I was loved and belonged and it turned out to be a lie. I was hurt. I struggled to understand what it was about me that made it so easy for everyone whether blood related or not to reject me.

I hadn't thought about any of this until recently. The same feelings I felt then, I feel now. This recent incident has left me very vulnerable and questioning my self worth. And even though EVERYONE I have confided in has tried to reassure me that what happened is NOT because of me, I can't help but wonder. I loved all these people, tremendously. I would have never dreamed of hurting them. What made it so easy for them to hurt me?

Time Table

So I have given myself an ultimatum. I decided that I will give myself until Feb 28th to feel sorry for myself and bitch about the unfairness that is Joe. Then on March 1st, I will no longer talk about him. I will no longer obsess over this lost relationship. I will make a real effort to let it and him go. I have spent over 2 months agonizing over this crap and it is WAY past time to move on.

I have been reading over my blog entries for the past 2 months. And I see myself as this whiny, needy mess. I don't like that image. And I certainly don't like how this has taken over my life. ENOUGH!

I just found out that beginning March 1st Joe & I will be working on the same shift for six weeks. I don't know if it's the fates playing a cruel joke on me or what. I haven't decided if I'm going to try and trade my shifts again or not. I can't run and hide forever. Old Lady Red keeps telling me to stay open to still being friends with Joe. Unfortunately, doing that also leaves me open to getting more hurt.

So one more week of wallowing and then I am done. I've been thinking about volunteering my time. There are several really worthy causes out there that I'm interested in. I figure that helping others will also help myself. That being around people that really want and need my help will do me a world of good. That I need a healthy distraction for a change.

Up and Down

I'm tired. Tired of crying. Tired of hurting. Tired of the weight in my chest. Some days are better than others. But then it is like the following day has to make up for the pain I missed the day before and I find myself struggling to just go through the motions. Today seems to be
one of them days.

Everyone I have encountered has tried to be supportive. They offer platitudes that really provide no comfort at all. All things must die, he had a good life, in time your pain will lessen. Or for the other loss...he's going to regret treating you like this, he's not worth your time, just forget about him.

The loss of Oliver is hard & painful. I miss him like crazy. I still expect to see him greet me at the door when I come home. I still wake up thinking I need to tend to him. I half expect to wake to him curled up next to me in bed. I have even called out for him on occasion without thinking. But his loss was not intentional. He died. And although that is painful, it's not something that could've been stopped. Because believe me I tried.

The loss of Joe is devastating. I miss him like crazy too. I constantly check my cell phone and email hoping he's contacted me. I keep attempting to connect with him but all my efforts have been shot down. He is completely done with me and I have to accept that. And that's what is so painful. His loss was intentional. He abandoned me. And while I know I should be angry with his behavior towards me, I am just hurt....extremely, blindingly hurt.

I don't know. Today is just not a very good day.

Home Again...

I picked up Oliver's ashes today. I hadn't heard from the vet so I finally broke down and called them myself today. I should have done it sooner, but I just couldn't. I know he is gone, but bringing his remains home just makes it even more real. I have been crying ever since I went to the vet's office. I know Ollie wasn't going to live forever and I know that he had a good life. I just miss him.

I plan on finally putting up his litter box, toys and whatnot tonight. I also plan on packing up his food and snacks to take to my mother. I have put it off long enough and it is time. I let myself get distracted with all that other bullshit which prevented me from dealing with the loss of Oliver. I need to grieve now. As so many people have told me lately, it is time I concentrate on taking care of myself. And right now, I need to mourn the loss of my baby.

I know to some people he was just a cat, but to me he was my child. And his absence in my life is profound. I hope where ever he is that he knows how much I love & miss him. I hope he knows how important he was to me and that nothing is ever going to change that.

Disbelief and Final Acceptance...

I spent the entire night crying at work. I cried off and on to Old Lady Red & Bull Horn about me & Joe. I told them what has happened and asked their advice. I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable. I guess I just needed validation that my feelings were legitimate. They assured me that Joe is the one in the wrong. That I did not imagine how close we were. That my reaction to the cell phone incident was reasonable. And even though I did cuss him out in that email to him at work, him threatening to report me to our bosses was over the line. That they could not believe how he was treating me. That the husband must be influencing him (which I don't believe he is). And Joe will regret ending our friendship like this. None of it made me feel better.

I even called EJ this morning on my way home from work. EJ told me that I have to let this relationship go. That even though I am hurting, I can't make him be my friend. She told me that my last email to him was beating a dead horse. That I have blatantly told him how I feel and continuing to contact him and repeat myself over & over again is just pathetic & sad. That him threatening me has made it more than abundantly clear that our relationship is dead. That you don't throw people away like this and his ability to do something like that speaks volumes about his character.

She is right. They are all right. But I can't help but feel like maybe I did go too far. That maybe I should have just did what Joe wanted and stopped harping on this. But like I told Old Lady Red and Bull Horn, if I let the incident with the cell phone go then I feel like I'm saying that kind of treatment towards me is okay. And if I didn't let him know how upset I was with the changes in our friendship and his treatment of my feelings, then I was not respecting myself nor demanding the respect I deserve from others.

I don't know. I regret cussing him in the email I sent to him at work. Even though he made me so angry it does NOT justify me cussing him. And I don't blame him for reacting the way that he did with the threat to report me to management. I crossed a line. And I plan to apologize for that. Other than that, there is nothing else I can do but accept what has happened between us and move on.

Final Nail In The Coffin

Again no explanation needed....

Joe's response to my email:

you are making me madder and madder and THAT is the reason I am not talkin to you like i used to...get your facts straight!....if you think that you should be held even near the same place a lover is held in my life, then you are wrong wrong wrong...if you think this is not bout jealousy, you are wrong wrong wrong....if you think that i am abandoning you cus of a guy, you are wrong wrong wrong...and if you are still hurt bout that stupid cell phone incident then you are still wrong wrong wrong.

the reason my friendship is over with you is because i have asked you to stop carrying on with the drama crap and you keep right on goin with it...so i am going away from it AND YOU in the process of escaping it.

And of course my response:

YOU ARE WRONG! I do have a my facts straight. You are the one that is blind! You purposely hurt my feelings (& continue to do so) and I am just supposed to get over it?! You allowed some stranger to me to talk to me like sh*t and I am just supposed to blow it off?! YOU OWE ME A F*CKING APOLOGY!!!!! You knew what he did was wrong. Hell, he knew what he did was wrong! But because I reacted the way that I did, that supposedly made NOT apologizing to me about it okay? I am upset over the fact that I was disrespected and never apologized to for it. It's not the incident itself as much as the total disregard for my feelings afterwards!

You throw me away and refuse to see what an @sshole you are being! I don't think I warrant the same consideration as a lover. I think I warrant consideration as your FRIEND! Your supposed BEST FRIEND until a lover came into the picture! You instantly stopped caring about my feelings once you and the husband became involved. And the second I tried to point that out to you, you turn things around on me. This drama of mine that you claim is so ridiculous is legitimate. And the reason I seem incapable of letting it end is because you fail to recognize why the drama even exists! It is in reaction to your behavior towards me. I promise you if the situation was reverse you would feel like I do.

I am NOT jealous of the husband. I have tried every way possible to be supportive of your relationship with him. You can't say that I haven't. I want you to be with him if that is what you really want, but I also wanted you to still be my friend at the same time which you seem incapable of doing! I am hurt (not jealous) that the simple things that I wanted you to do with me for years you flat out refused to do, but now you are doing them with him. I am hurt that you have completely abandoned me for him. YOU HAVE ABANDONED ME, JOE! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?!?!?!?!?! You threw me away like trash because you found our friendship an inconvenience. I mean so little to you that you can just dispose of me like garbage? Maybe one day you will finally wake up and see how sh*tty that is!

You need to change your myspace page! Cause you are not f*cking loyal. You are not the best friend a person can have. You have no f*cking clue how to really be a person's friend. It requires emotional support and understanding. Two things you obviously have no idea how to give to a FRIEND!

Joe's Response:

DO NOT USE MY WORK EMAIL AS A CONTACT FOR PERSONAL USE....FURTHER USE WILL BE FORWARDED TO MANAGEMENT

My Response:

Management?! You fucking threaten me with management. UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!

You know, had you just apologized to me and recognized my feelings then all this drama could have gone away. You could have even said, "What happened was wrong. We did not mean to hurt you. I'm sorry you feel this way." You wouldn't have had to accept responsibility for my feelings, just recognize them. Sympathize with how I was feeling. Sometimes all people need is recognition. They fact that you refused to recognize my feelings and told me to get over it was just blatantly mean, cruel and uncalled for. You don't dismiss people that you care about. Regardless of them being your friends or lovers or family. Whatever level of a relationship you have with that person you are supposed to care about their feelings. And you know first hand how hurtful it is to have someone you care about dismiss you!

Why couldn't you apologize, Joe? You know I was entitled to it. Just because I had a reaction you did not like, did not negate the apology I was owed. And the longer you refused to consider my feelings the worse things became. Can you honestly say that your behavior the past two months has been right? Can you honestly say that after the cell phone incident that you haven't done things intentionally to hurt me? That ignoring me after Oliver died is acceptable behavior to you?

I know...dead horse...flies all around...too through...I just keep repeating myself cause I keep hoping one of these times it'll finally sink in what I am saying to you. That you will see what is so blatantly obvious to everyone else. I know I have some insecurities but you have them too. And while I tried in the past & present to reassure you & let you know that you matter to me, you couldn't be bothered to do the same for me. I needed something from you that you refused to give me. And it wouldn't have cost you anything! How hard would it have been to tell me what I meant to you? It seemed like as soon as you got a husband, I ceased to exist. Couldn't you have tried to understand where I am coming from? Couldn't you have tried to see how it made/makes me feel?

Because I'm A Glutton For Punishment

I left a note on Joe's work desk last night. I asked if he missed me because I miss him. He sent me a text message this afternoon with a picture of my note asking if it was from me. I told him that is was and he asked me what was up. I responded that it has been 2 weeks and I wanted to know if he missed me. Here's the response that I got:

Joe: I know its been 2 weeks...when I said I dint want drama I meant it so if it means no contact then so be it...but I don't do drama.
Camlaw: Do you realize how hypocritical that statement is? U can't be blind. The husband is nothing but drama. U just won't deal with my drama.
Joe: Well don't seem like you wanna do nuthin to help the sit.
Camlaw: I needed you to reassure me that I mattered.
Joe: You ain't no baby and...I dint sign up to treat you like I do the husband.

Since I couldn't even begin to respond to that with a simple text message, I sent him this email instead:

I didn't leave that note to fight. I left it cause I am hurting and I miss you and I wanted to know if you missed me too.

You're right. I'm not a baby. But people need reassurance. They need to know that they matter. That doesn't make them babies, it makes them human. Even you have needed reassurance from time to time. Remember last year when I put in my job transfer, you gave me grief saying that I was abandoning you and leaving you behind, yada yada yada. And I tried to reassure you that you were important to me and that I would never abandon you, but I needed that job both financially and career wise. I was miserable at work and you knew that. Eventually I think you accepted that, and then when I didn't leave I guess your fears of abandonment subsided or whatever.

Now let's fast forward to now, you are in a relationship that I have tried to be nothing but supportive of. I never tried to discourage you from pursuing this relationship. I was actually pushing you to give it a real chance. But then the cell phone incident happened. I was floored that this person was able to disrespect me like that. And I was hurt that he had that kind of access to me. Like I said before, the actual text messages I can get over, it was what they meant or signified. The fact that he was able to do something like that to me, then your refusal to acknowledge my feelings, that no actual apology was given and so forth and so on...

And it proceeded to get worse between us because the husband monopolized ALL of your time. We barely talked outside of work. And when we did, we didn't have one conversation (whether at work or not) that didn't revolve around him. And then you were doing things with him that you would NEVER do with me. The concert and the mall shopping and the music, taking time off from work. I just felt more and more abandoned. Joe, I have to beg you every year just to spend my birthday with me. The husband has a bad day and you take off from work?! You won't even take time off from work for yourself when you are sick!

Then Oliver dies and I spend the next several days in a deep depression. I didn't even get out of bed the day after. And while everyone else called or sent text messages or emails to see how I was doing, you did NOTHING. I lose a beloved pet and I get no compassion? Hell, even Stick Figure gave me a sympathy card. You didn't have to understand my feelings, but acknowledgement of those feelings would have meant the world to me.

Don't you to see how unfair you have been and are being to me? Can't you acknowledge that your behavior towards me has been unwarranted and cruel? Can't you see that you did EXACTLY what you said you wouldn't do...abandoned me for a guy? A month after the husband comes into the picture, I am history? A man that has lied to you, manipulated you, made you question his trustworthiness, hell he even had you finance and participate in an illegal activity. A man that you are bending over backwards for to be with and have willingly sacrificed a friendship for. A man that has brought nothing BUT drama into your life.

I never asked you to choose between us. I would never do that. And I have always accepted the fact that the husband is important to you. But at the same time I needed to know that I was important too. That I mattered also. And it's not jealousy. If I was jealous, I would have never encouraged you to be with him. I would have taken every opportunity I had to try & sabotage your relationship. I really want you to be happy. I just didn't want it to be at the cost of our friendship. And in all honesty it shouldn't have to be. We were so close that everyone joked that we were married. And then all of a sudden it changed. You can't fault me for having trouble with that.

Please think about what I am saying. Don't respond to this email right away. Please just take the time to really evaluate things between us. I don't want our friendship to be over. You are important to me. And what little drama that is between us I don't think is enough to completely end our friendship over. Do you?

Then I sent him this text message:
I sent u an email. Pls read it & really think about it before u respond. Have a good weekend.

So I guess we will see what happens from here.

Hurt Turns To Anger

I have received no response from the last email I sent Joe. His lack of concern for my well being after Oliver died has been the final wake up call I needed to see what a piece of shit he truly is. As you can see I have finally reached the anger stage. I am still hurt, but now I am blindingly angry. I just want to beat him the shit out of Joe right now.

He turned out to be such a hypocrite. He told me he would not abandon our friendship when he got involved with someone and that is exactly what he did. And his reasoning for ending our friendship was a disagreement over a legitimate incident. The husband has repeatedly lied to him, has manipulated him and has even had him participate in and finance an illegal activity. And yet, this man is still in his life and I'm history?

The few co-workers that I have confided in about the termination of our friendship have told me that I didn't imagine our closeness. That the way we acted with each other was like we were married. All of them said that his behavior towards me makes no sense. That one day he will regret how he has treated me. I highly doubt that. He seems to think this is all my problem and that he has done nothing wrong. But I can hope. Not that it will change things though.

I have been working the overnight shift since Tuesday (Feb 3rd) for 2 reasons. One, because my emotional state over losing Oliver and fighting with Joe has me completely depressed and incapable of dealing with the everyday day shift crap at work. I'm just not fit to deal with a lot of people right now. Two, because I need to not see or be around Joe. His sitting a few desks away from me, cutting up with our co-workers, speaking affectionately on the phone with the husband, and pretty much acting like I don't exist is WAY too much for me to handle right now.

Working the overnight shift, I never see Joe. So I can grieve without him being in my face. I was lucky to find someone willing to trade shifts with me. I think the tears and the desperate plea I presented helped sway them. I'll be working this shift all month.

So I have at least 3 weeks left before I have to face Joe again. Hopefully by that time I will be able to be around him without being so hurt and upset. Maybe some day he will regret ending our friendship, but it doesn't matter now. I have to accept that is over and figure out a way to move forward. Hopefully that transfer I have put in will come through soon and I will no longer have to work with him.

As for how I'm dealing with the loss of Oliver, I have my ups & downs. I finally picked up & washed his food bowls earlier this week. I haven't, however, put away his litter box, or toys, or other personal effects. There are still clumps of his hair all over the house. The pantry is full of his food and snacks. I still wake up thinking about him...like I need to get up and feed him or that I need to make sure I don't kick him while I try to get out of bed. Then suddenly it hits me that he is gone and I cry. I still haven't picked up his ashes yet. I need to call the Vet and to see when they will be available.

It has meant so much to me the people that have taken the time to check on me. Even those that don't care for pets recognized how important Oliver was to me and have allowed me a place to express my grief. And that acknowledgement of my feelings has meant the world to me. I've actually been really surprised by the support I have received from several people. Even one of my co-workers gave me a Hallmark card expressing sympathy for the loss of my pet.

Anyway, that's how I've been. I'm not sleeping but a few hours a day. I'm lucky to get four hours of sleep tops. Even with the assistance of Tylenol PM or Melatonin. I know as time passes things will get better for me. But at the moment, I'm just trying to make it through one day at a time.

Looking For Answers

Wednesday night I stopped at Wal-Mart on my way to work and bought some food to stock up Joe's work cabinet. I had noticed Tuesday night that he had very few items and I thought it would be a nice gesture to restock his cabinet for him. Besides many times in the past Joe has bought me food and snacks for my work desk. Plus he is always willing to share whatever he has in his cabinet with me.

So I restocked his cabinet & showed Old Lady Red everything I had bought him. I told her that I hoped he would notice and contact me. We talked about how he hasn't checked on me once since Oliver died and she said she couldn't understand his lack of compassion. I tried to rationalize that maybe he was so busy with the husband that he didn't have time or maybe he didn't know what to say to me so opted to say nothing. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I spent the following day constantly checking my cell phone and email for a message from Joe. As the time of his shift came & went I thought maybe he called in to work and wasn't there to see the stuff I got him. Or maybe he never checked his cabinet since he had so little in there to begin with. I drove to work last night still trying to give Joe the benefit of the doubt.


As soon as I logged onto my work computer, I received the following instant message:

[Thu 02/05] Joe(7:43:34 PM): what is this grocerie store ova here? are you the one that stole the rest of my loaded baked potato pringles the other day?

Camlaw(10:57:42 PM): No...I did not steal anything from you. I noticed you had very little food so I bought you some.

I was floored. Not a thank you, or how nice of you, or even how have you been. But what's this and did you steal from me. I shared the message with Old Lady Red and she couldn't believe it either. She said that his response would have made her mad. I told her it just hurt my feelings even more. She said it's like Joe is treating me like an ex-girlfriend or something.


I then proceeded to tell Old Lady Red how this all began. In the course of my telling her the story I could tell she already knew. When I asked her, she said that Joe had briefly mentioned the cell phone incident. Basically all he said was that this all began because of a cell phone. When I proceeded to tell her the details, she was shocked. It wasn't as petty as Joe made it out to be. She would've been highly upset too if some stranger sent her those text messages.


I finally broke down sobbing on Old Lady Red's shoulder. She just held me and tried to comfort me as I cried. I asked her if I had imagined our friendship. I asked her if maybe Joe & I weren't as close as I perceived us to be. She reassured me that wasn't the case. Everyone knew we were close. It had been a running joke for years now that we're married. And she told me that when he told her of ending our friendship, he called it a "divorce".


I spent the rest of the night mulling everything over in my head. I even typed out this long ass email to Joe. But this morning after much consideration and self editing, I finally just sent him this:

It's been over a week since Oliver passed away. And during that entire time you have not checked on me once. I have received more sympathy and compassion from mere work acquaintances than I have from you....a person who matters the most and who knew how important Ollie was to me. Hell you joked for a long time that I was going to probably have to be institutionalized if/when he died. So why haven't you check on me?


Maybe I will get a response, maybe I won't. I just don't understand why this is happening. I want to know WHY?!

No More Denying It

I've spent the past 4 days grieving over my lost boy. After sending text messages to all my friends about Oliver's passing, I called work & told them I would be unable to come in to work the next 2 days. I was so distraught that my boss would not let me off the phone until I confirmed that physically I was fine. Everyone responded to my text messages with apologies, even Joe. He asked me if there was anything he could do and I responded he could make it stop hurting. He informed me that he couldn't do that and I had nothing else to say.

I spent the rest of the night crying off an on. Little clumps of Ollie's hair or one of his toys abandoned on the floor would set off another crying spell. Going into the kitchen was like torture. Seeing his abandoned food dishes just annihilated me. A couple of times I could have sworn I heard him meowing in the back yard. I even went to investigate once. Later that night I called Fashion Show at work & asked her to trade shifts with me the following week. She works on the overnight shift which is less stressful and about all I think I can handle once I come back to work. I turned my house and cell phones off and cried myself to sleep.

Friday I never got out of bed. I spent the day reading fan fiction on my laptop in between crying spells. I couldn't even go into the kitchen at all. Seeing his food dishes and treats and stacks of canned cat food was just more than I could bare. I finally forced myself to eat something to make my stomach stop churning. That was the only time I went into the kitchen that day. I worked blinded by tears to make something in the microwave. That seemed to be the longest 2 minutes in my life.

Saturday, I work up early and wrote out my bills. Have to pay the mortgage and utilities no matter how shitty and sad I feel. I turned the phones back on and found I had 2 messages from Friday. One from Fashion Show about our trade and one from EJ just checking on me. I forced myself to shower, get dressed and run a couple of errands. I needed to mail off my bills, get groceries and to wash the Honda before I returned it to the dealership.

I called my mom and talked with her while I waited 40 minutes to go through the drive through car wash at the gas station. I called EJ and made plans to meet her at the dealership around 6 PM. Returning the Honda was a 15 minute process tops. EJ & I were back on the road heading home in no time. I thanked her for calling and checking on me Friday night. On the way home, I cried to her about Oliver and my fucked up relationship with Joe.

She explained to me that Joe filled an emotional void for me...actually we probably did that for each other...and now that he has the husband I am not needed anymore. I think she is right, but that knowledge doesn't make me feel any better. Once she dropped me off at home and made fun of my new Kia Rio, I went and started watching the different TV shows I had recorded on my DVR. I really didn't process what I was watching, but it was a good distraction for a while. Again I went to bed falling into another restless sleep after a bout of tears.

Yesterday I woke up feeling hung over and exhausted. I found that McMargie had called checking on me. She also sent me a friend quiz email. I responded to the email and then later called her back. We talked for a little while catching up on each other's lives. I even managed a chuckle here and there. I hung up feeling a little less cumbersome.

I finally picked up Ollie's food dishes off the kitchen floor and begin washing them. I was distracted by someone banging on my door asking if I wanted his tree trimming services. After telling him no, I abandoned the dishes and started watching TV. Occasionally I got up and fooled around on the computer and answered a couple of emails. During one of my TV shows, Mo-Mo sent me a text to my cell to see how I was doing. I responded and thanked her for checking on me.

I hadn't heard from Joe all weekend. No text message, or phone call, or email or anything. He knew how important Oliver is...was...to me. He often joked that if/when Oliver died he was going to have to put me in a mental hospital. And yet now that the incident has occurred he cannot even be bothered to see if I am alright. I cannot believe that just last month he was my "supposed" best friend and now I don't even warrant a fucking phone call to make sure I am okay. I guess this is the wake-up call I needed. Our friendship is completely over. No more denying it.

I deleted his AOL screen name off my buddy list and removed him off my friend's list on MySpace. I am broken. I finally went to bed at midnight. I only slept for a few hours and then got up to check my email. One last pathetic attempt to see if Joe at least sent me an email. I knew he was spending the weekend with the husband, but I thought just maybe he would at least care enough to send me an email. There was nothing.

Around 5am I called Old Lady Red in tears. I had called to see if she would be willing to trade shifts the week after. I told her all about Oliver's death and Joe ending our friendship. I told her how completely broken I am and that I just couldn't believe how insignificant to Joe I appear to be. I kept her on the phone for almost an hour. She said she would do whatever she could to help me. That Joe was going to regret ending our friendship the way he did. I highly doubt that.

The past 2 weeks Joe has cut up and joked around with everyone at work like nothing has changed. He talks and sends text messages on his new cell phone all day to the husband. I sit at my desk feeling awkward and sad and he appears completely fine. And now that I am devastated over the loss of Oliver, and Joe knows how devastated I am, he hasn't even attempted to contact me. What does that say about our friendship? I am disposable, insignificant, and not worthy of even a moments worth of compassion.

So today, I plan to finish the dishes, do some laundry, watch some more TV and mentally try to prepare to return back to work tomorrow night. Sometime this week I will need to pick up Ollie's ashes and pay the probably astronomical Vet bill.

But life goes on. I know it does. And even though I feel completely isolated and lonely and unloved, this will all eventually pass. I just got to figure out how to endure it until it does.