Regaining My Equilibrium

I did not meet my goal of not discussing Joe today. EJ called and left a message this morning on my cell asking how I was doing. When I called her back, I told her that I was failing yet again in my attempt to stop talking about all this shit.

I told her about the latest encounter with Joe. I also told her about my crazy co-workers and the trade nightmare going on right now at work. I told her work has become a hostile environment for me. Everyday sucks.

EJ told me that my relationship with Joe was rather one-sided and leaning towards abusive. That although he was very generous with material things, he never gave emotionally. Every time things got rough between us it was always me that caved in and apologized. He never took responsibility for anything. And I was always willing to do whatever it took to make things right between us again. I was obviously much more invested emotionally than him. She told me to look back over the relationship and reflect on how things between us really were. To stop giving him power over me because that is what I am doing right now.

I told her that I tried to accept Joe as he was. That I thought he showed his affection by giving me things, which I really do believe is true. She told me that she knows how giving and unbelievably loyal I am. But my loyalty can also become my downfall. I tend to stick with people no matter what, getting extremely hurt in the process. That I need to let Joe go because this is not healthy for me.

As for my co-workers she told me not to let them folks drive me crazy. Just make my money and keep on doing what I'm doing. Let them go to the union or whatever other threat they choose. I told her I just didn't need anymore bullshit right now.

Then later on tonight I was finally given the male perspective I was looking for. I had asked Aviator to read my blog and give me his view on what happened between me & Joe. He told me that I need to look at my entries as an outsider. That he can see why Joe ended the friendship because I backed Joe in a corner and he did what he could to get out of it. That I needed to stop bringing up the past because no one likes to have the past continuously brought up to them and that is why Joe is so hostile towards me now. Every time I talk to him, I inevitably bring up the past and just agitate or aggravate him in the process. And now it's to the point were Joe's immediate response to me is irritation.

Then Aviator cautioned me to be careful with my blog entries. He said they seem awfully personal and leave me open to ridicule or be made a joke of. He also warned me that I am becoming that pathetic pity party person. Where I am reaching the point where people are starting to avoid me because all I seem to do is obsess over this stuff. He told me that he knows I recognize it because I have mentioned how pathetic I am in my entries. And I am not usually this person.

He told me that I will eventually be okay. I just need to get my equilibrium back. I am currently unbalanced and until I get back on a even keel I won't be who I usually am. That when I am ready, I need to speak to Joe with no agenda and certainly with no mention of the past. He told me that I am entitled to my feelings, and that women tend to cling to things where guys don't.

I can't express how grateful I am for Aviator's incite. It was like a light bulb finally went off for me. He never told me that I was wrong to feel the way that I do, but that I went about it the wrong way in expressing it, at least when it came to dealing with Joe. He helped me FINALLY understand where Joe was coming from.

I feel this tremendous relief. The mystery has been solved for me. All this time I have been trying to figure out Joe's perspective in all this. Now I finally know. I am hoping this will help me finally move on and regain my equilibrium. I really think it just might!