Truths

I've been thinking a lot this past week about things. Mulling over past conversations and analyzing things til my head hurt.

EJ had posted a question to me that I really tried my best answer. She asked what did Joe & I really have in common other than working together. I gave the pat answers of common interests and beliefs. And as she condescendingly listened and dismissed my answers, I decided to do a little soul searching.

The truth is what do I have in common with any of my friends. EJ and I attended college together. She is a divorced single mom with a flexible job. She is very sociable and outgoing. She loves jazz and to travel. We don't see eye to eye on gay marriage or other societal issues. We don't like the same movies or TV shows. She is religious, but not overbearingly so.

McMargie was my college roommate. She is married with 2 kids. She has her own business and is very active in the Catholic church. She comes from a stable home where her parents are still together and are very loving. We don't listen to the same music (she likes country), or watch the same movies or TV shows. Although she does watch Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles which I discovered last week during my visit. HA!

I, on the other hand, am a homebody. I don't make friends easily. I'm not very sociable. I have never been married and don't want kids. I don't like to travel. Hell, I hate just driving to work every day. I love rock music, was never raised with religion, came from a broken and abusive home, and spend most of my time escaping reality through TV and movies. I'm a strong supporter of gay rights. I have a demanding and rigid job. I tend to spend a majority of my time completely alone.

The point is I am friends with these people because we have a connection...a bond of sorts. Some times it is stronger than others, but it is still there. And if I relied only on what we have in common as a criteria for us to remain friends, we wouldn't still be in each other's lives 12-15 years later. This realization got me thinking over my current relationship, or lack there of, with Joe.

So I sent Joe this email this morning. I wrote it the other day and was going to wait to send it to him when I'm on vacation next week, but as usual I changed my mind. I titled it truths.

You're still my best friend...even though you've hurt me so deeply. And it doesn't matter how many people tell me what an asshole you are. And it doesn't matter that you no longer want me to be your friend, let alone best friend. I can't deny that you are still mine.

My first instinct is still to share whatever I saw or read or heard or experienced or discovered with you. I still value your opinion over everyone else's. And I worry about you although I probably shouldn't. I think about you all the time even if lately there have been days where I harbor this overwhelming urge to punch you in the face. I still care.

I really miss you. That doesn't change anything though. I still want what I want, as do you. But I thought you should know that none of this is easy for me. That I go to work everyday trying to respect the way things are between us now...to keep my distance and leave you completely alone. Some days are harder than others.

The truth is if you came to me right now and said you needed me or my help I would do everything in my power to be there for or give it to you. I love you and that hasn't changed. I just wanted you to know.

We'll see if/how he responds. I know so many people think I'm crazy for still caring about him. I feel what I feel and I won't apologize for that. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else. Hell, it doesn't make sense to me! But then emotions are not logical or rational. Once you come to that realization, it becomes easier just to go with the flow.