Keeping The Violent Tendancies At Bay

Last week was a really shitty week. Last night was just the icing on the cake. Joe and I had a rather loud argument last night resulting in me leaving work ill and coming home before I gave in to my overwhelming urge to beat the living shit out of him.

I left McMargie's extremely anxious and absolutely dreading returning to this nightmare environment. I had spent 2 blissful nights away from the bullshit and the mere idea of returning to it had me in knots. I mean I was literally in tears when I expressed to McMargie my desire not to come home.

I arrived to work 30 minutes early since I drove straight to work from McMargie's. I was tired from not having slept well the past 2 days. Plus I was stiff from the intense drive in. Not a good combination I now realize. Joe was his typical fake-ass self. Being overly friendly to everyone he normally wouldn't be bothered with. No words were exchanged between us as usual and I kept to myself working on getting my workload handled.

About 3 1/2 hours into my shift, I discovered a somewhat pressing item on my work load. When I did some investigating, I discovered that Joe was contacted about the work item and did not bother to handle it. I sent him a instant message and he did not reply. I discovered it was because he was not at his desk, but away at break. When he walked by my desk I turned to face him with I'm sure was a very sinister glare from the reaction he gave me. I asked him if he was called about the work item. He said he was. I asked if he had referred it to the manager. He hadn't, so I told him I would handle it and turned around to do so.

While I was in the process of calling the duty manager of that area, Joe decides he is going to handle the work item too. That just pissed me off even more. I walked down to his desk to ask him why he was even bothering now. He was successful in getting in touch with the manager and proceeded to refer the item to the manager. By this time it had been almost an hour since the item was first referred to Joe. Well, my standing at Joe's desk just pissed him off because he felt I was babysitting him which I wasn't. I had actually wanted to talk to the manager and give him the info I found out about the work item during my investigation.

Things got heated between us. I'm not even sure what all was said. I know he told me that the work item was no big deal, and how hard was it for me to even read it. He told me he still had the item up on his desk and was just at break. And I was just mad because he didn't answer my instant message. I told him that I have already had my ass chewed out for something similar earlier this week. That he just comes and goes as he pleases while the rest of us communicate with the crew when we go to lunch and breaks. That I have found other things he hasn't bothered to handle and I hadn't said anything.

I was just getting madder and madder. I finally told him I needed to walk away. I was to the point where I knew I was going to say or do something that I would regret and could cost me my job. Joe mouthed off a couple of more things, as did I and then I stormed off. I called EJ just fuming. I was so angry that I burst into tears. I told her what had happened and she convinced me to call my boss and tell her I was ill and needed to go home. And that is just what I did.

Before I left, I sent our other co-worker an instant message letting him know I was leaving. Then I packed up my shit and ran out of there. I called EJ and cried all the way home. I was just so angry. Plus I can't seem to make anyone understand how much all of this has taken a toll on me.

Everyone keeps telling me Joe is not worth all this grief. That I need to just get over it and move on. I'm trying to. Unfortunately, my emotions and feelings don't just shut off like a fucking switch. I cared deeply for him. I still do. Just because he turned out not to be worth the depth of my feelings doesn't mean I can just automatically shut them off. It takes time. And it doesn't help that I still have to face him 3 days a week for at least 5-9 hours each day.

I figure today will be better. Yesterday was just a bad day. I was hyper-sensitive and ill equipped to deal with his bullshit last night. I got some rest and I feel better than I did yesterday. So we will see what happens.