Up and Down

I'm tired. Tired of crying. Tired of hurting. Tired of the weight in my chest. Some days are better than others. But then it is like the following day has to make up for the pain I missed the day before and I find myself struggling to just go through the motions. Today seems to be
one of them days.

Everyone I have encountered has tried to be supportive. They offer platitudes that really provide no comfort at all. All things must die, he had a good life, in time your pain will lessen. Or for the other loss...he's going to regret treating you like this, he's not worth your time, just forget about him.

The loss of Oliver is hard & painful. I miss him like crazy. I still expect to see him greet me at the door when I come home. I still wake up thinking I need to tend to him. I half expect to wake to him curled up next to me in bed. I have even called out for him on occasion without thinking. But his loss was not intentional. He died. And although that is painful, it's not something that could've been stopped. Because believe me I tried.

The loss of Joe is devastating. I miss him like crazy too. I constantly check my cell phone and email hoping he's contacted me. I keep attempting to connect with him but all my efforts have been shot down. He is completely done with me and I have to accept that. And that's what is so painful. His loss was intentional. He abandoned me. And while I know I should be angry with his behavior towards me, I am just hurt....extremely, blindingly hurt.

I don't know. Today is just not a very good day.