More Truths Revealed

I got a response from Joe. I was already at work when he replied to me though. I accessed my email this afternoon and read it however. He said:

its not that i dont want us to be friends...i dont want that conversation ever again.....you dont want to hear bout what is in my life and i dont want that conversation, so we dont speak...i guess its the easy way to deal....work stuff is easy to talk bout cus it dont lead to either of our dreaded conversations.

i never WANTED to stop talkin to you...i just never want to have to argue that endless fight again.

im sorry bout oliver too...i know how you must miss him.

I read and re-read this email before I finally responded. I stayed a few minutes late at work to send it to him.

Yes, I miss Oliver like crazy. I sleep every night with his ashes next to my pillow. I still call out for him on occasion without thinking. Plus, I still haven't packed up all his belongings.

And discussing work related items with you is not easy for me. I have a hard time looking you in the eye. I wear my headphones all day so I don't have to hear your voice or overhear your personal conversations. I leave work a few minutes early on the days we work together just so I don't have to walk to the parking lot with you. Some days I just want to scream, "DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL ANYMORE?!"

There were 3 things that I needed from you to get me to end that conversation/endless fight: apologize, recognize my feelings, and reassure me about my place in your life. I didn't think needing these things from you was asking too much. Had you asked them from me, I would've given them to you in a heartbeat. The fact that you wouldn't do the same for me was/is unbelievably hurtful.

I want to be a part of your life, but not without respect…no matter how lonely I am or how much I miss you. But I'm struggling and I wanted you to know that. I guess because a tiny part of me hopes you miss me too. That my absence from your life does affect you. That maybe one day we will reconcile. I guess I just can't let you completely go.

It doesn't get more honest than that folks.