Hurt Turns To Anger

I have received no response from the last email I sent Joe. His lack of concern for my well being after Oliver died has been the final wake up call I needed to see what a piece of shit he truly is. As you can see I have finally reached the anger stage. I am still hurt, but now I am blindingly angry. I just want to beat him the shit out of Joe right now.

He turned out to be such a hypocrite. He told me he would not abandon our friendship when he got involved with someone and that is exactly what he did. And his reasoning for ending our friendship was a disagreement over a legitimate incident. The husband has repeatedly lied to him, has manipulated him and has even had him participate in and finance an illegal activity. And yet, this man is still in his life and I'm history?

The few co-workers that I have confided in about the termination of our friendship have told me that I didn't imagine our closeness. That the way we acted with each other was like we were married. All of them said that his behavior towards me makes no sense. That one day he will regret how he has treated me. I highly doubt that. He seems to think this is all my problem and that he has done nothing wrong. But I can hope. Not that it will change things though.

I have been working the overnight shift since Tuesday (Feb 3rd) for 2 reasons. One, because my emotional state over losing Oliver and fighting with Joe has me completely depressed and incapable of dealing with the everyday day shift crap at work. I'm just not fit to deal with a lot of people right now. Two, because I need to not see or be around Joe. His sitting a few desks away from me, cutting up with our co-workers, speaking affectionately on the phone with the husband, and pretty much acting like I don't exist is WAY too much for me to handle right now.

Working the overnight shift, I never see Joe. So I can grieve without him being in my face. I was lucky to find someone willing to trade shifts with me. I think the tears and the desperate plea I presented helped sway them. I'll be working this shift all month.

So I have at least 3 weeks left before I have to face Joe again. Hopefully by that time I will be able to be around him without being so hurt and upset. Maybe some day he will regret ending our friendship, but it doesn't matter now. I have to accept that is over and figure out a way to move forward. Hopefully that transfer I have put in will come through soon and I will no longer have to work with him.

As for how I'm dealing with the loss of Oliver, I have my ups & downs. I finally picked up & washed his food bowls earlier this week. I haven't, however, put away his litter box, or toys, or other personal effects. There are still clumps of his hair all over the house. The pantry is full of his food and snacks. I still wake up thinking about him...like I need to get up and feed him or that I need to make sure I don't kick him while I try to get out of bed. Then suddenly it hits me that he is gone and I cry. I still haven't picked up his ashes yet. I need to call the Vet and to see when they will be available.

It has meant so much to me the people that have taken the time to check on me. Even those that don't care for pets recognized how important Oliver was to me and have allowed me a place to express my grief. And that acknowledgement of my feelings has meant the world to me. I've actually been really surprised by the support I have received from several people. Even one of my co-workers gave me a Hallmark card expressing sympathy for the loss of my pet.

Anyway, that's how I've been. I'm not sleeping but a few hours a day. I'm lucky to get four hours of sleep tops. Even with the assistance of Tylenol PM or Melatonin. I know as time passes things will get better for me. But at the moment, I'm just trying to make it through one day at a time.