Rest In Peace, Oliver. Mama Loves You!

My beloved boy Oliver passed away this afternoon. He went into cardiac arrest during a simple procedure around 3pm. They were able to restart his heart but after over an hour with no brain activity, I told them to let him go. I was there when his heart stopped for the final time. The vet says that he did not suffer. That it was quick. That I did everything humanly possible to make sure he was healthy and well taken care of.

I am inconsolable at this time. I have taken the next couple of days off from work to grieve. He is being cremated which is all being arranged by the vet's office. I should be able to pick up his ashes sometime next week.

Can't Seem To Let Go

The Saga Continues...

The Email I Sent:

I should be angry with you. But I can't seem to get past being so incredibly hurt to feel angry.

I think your behavior towards me is cruel. Someone that was supposedly your best friend a month ago, you dispose of like garbage. And not because she betrayed you, or stole from you, or intentionally did something to hurt you. She angered you over an incident that you two can't see eye to eye on. And instead of allowing her to process and discuss this with you, you shut her out. And when she tried by any means possible (i.e. novel emails, instant messages, etc) to communicate with you and express her feelings, you ended the friendship. Distancing is one thing, but completely terminating a friendship? How can you justify your behavior? And how can you just walk away from someone you supposedly cared about over a disagreement?

I already accepted the fact that the cell phone incident is some thing we will never agree on. And my last email to you was about me being upset and needing you and you being oblivious to that fact...not about the stupid cell phone incident. I was thrown by my feelings over the death of Baby Sister's dad. Then I had all this family crap that was occurring just trying to attend his funeral.

There is always going to be disagreements and some form of drama in any kind of relationship. If you refuse to allow any drama in your life, then you will be alone forever. And it won't be because of fate or destiny, but because you chose it.

Joe's Response:

we all have drama in our lives...I don't want any of it that I don't have to have.....you kept it going just to keep it going....you could have moved on to the new stuff and it would have done wonders for us...but you wouldn't let that dead horse lie....I was sick of fighting over it...so I dint know what else to do but stop talking to ya...so get angry if ya want...next time someone asks you to stop fighting an unwinnable fight, mabbee you will....but since you dint stop the fighting with me, I did what I needed to make it stop for me.

and just about the time you had your drama going on...I had a little of my own...I am not gonna detail it since we are no longer on that level...I have a feeling all my drama is coming to a head today anyway....then I will be drama free for a while...all except the drama in my head...cant ever stop that.

and then last night I had just gotten to where I could talk to you...and you put that bitch up my ass for the rest of the night...and deliberately too...you know how you hate having her up yours and you volunteer me...good way to fix things!

My Response:

You are absolutely right about Ms. S. I was COMPLETELY out of line doing that to you. I knew as soon as I did it, that I was wrong. And I cannot even begin to apologize enough for that. I am sure you will find a way to pay me back, and rightfully so.

I keep hoping we can fix this. Maybe not be the way we were, but not completely out of each other's lives either. I look around my house and see you EVERYWHERE! My towels racks and light fixtures and mail box and printer and paper shredder and fence gate and lawn mower and DVD player. The list just goes on and on. And I miss you. I have never given my house keys and whatnot to another person before except my mother and that was only after Baby Sister came to live with me. You are very special to me, and the thought of you not being in my life just devestates me.

I hate to hear that you are still having excessive drama. And I don't want to add to it any more than I already have. Just know that I think about you all the time, I wish you only the best, and I will try to respect your wishes of minimal contact.

FYI - $900 later and Ollie is home.

Back Where He Belongs

OLIVER IS HOME!!!!!!!!

I just brought him back from the Vet's office. I had to take an hour trade time at work, but I don't care. He is home and he is better and I am SOOOOO grateful.

The Vet says he believes Oliver has toxoplasmosis. All his tests came back great accept for that one. The treatment is about 3 weeks of antibiotics twice daily. He requires such a high dosage that the liquid form is out of the question. They do not have a shot they can give him so I have to give him these pills instead. Which is going to be hard since he is such a fighter. I usually put the liquid form into some ice cream and give it to him. I have to give him his first does tonight. The Vet told me to go to a pharmacy and buy a pill crusher and then that way I can still slip it in some ice cream. I will have to do that tonight after work.

The doctor told me to monitor Oliver closely. Make sure he does not become dehydrated again. He may suffer from diarrhea and I need to let them know that. I just put down some fresh food and water and treats for him. I'm just so giddy to have him home. I hate to leave him but the $900 vet bill I just charged has to get paid somehow.

Good News....At Last!

When I first got to work today I called the Vet to check on Oliver. They said he was responding extremely well to treatment, had actually inhaled the food they put down in front of him this morning. His preliminary tests all came back great. Plus he seemed to be getting meanier and meanier by the minute.

They still wanted to keep him another day and wait for the rest of his test results to come in. They did see a slight congestion in his lungs, but nothing to be concerned about. His heart rate was strong and he seemed to be doing great. I should be able to pick him up tomorrow barring no sudden complications or negative test results.

I went through the day feeling much better. Joe and I even started talking to each other. But then I fucked that up and made him so pissed off that he wouldn't talk to me again.

Basically I volunteered him for some work that I shouldn't have. One of our bosses, Ms. S, is famous for riding your ass all day once you get involved with something of hers. I tried to apologize for doing that, but Joe didn't want to hear it. I finally sent the following instant message to him before I left for the evening:

Camlaw(6:59:04 PM): I'm truly sorry for volunteering you for that job. It was wrong of me. I should have just let Ms. S decide who she was going to assign it to.

Camlaw(6:59:09 PM): This has been a very hard week for me. I'm trying to adjust to the changes in our relationship and I am having alot of difficulty. I miss my friend... ANYWAY...have a good weekend.

Not Any Better

I hospitalized Oliver today. He was doing better. Bugging me to feed him and play with him and whatnot. I had pretty much decided that he just ate something the other night and that was why he was acting to poorly.

But then he did not eat his food last night. I woke up to find him lethargic again. I immediately put him in the carrier and rushed him to the vet. They knew that there was something immediately wrong with him because he pretty much let them do whatever they wanted to him.

Normally my baby is a fighter! He bites and twists and lets you know he hates the Vet. He did not even cry. They said he appeared to be slightly dehydrated. They said that they were going to run some tests and immediately put him on an IV for fluids and antibiotics.

I had called into work as soon as I got the the Vet's office. I had originally asked for the whole day off from work, but then after they hospitalized Oliver I realized there was no reason not to just go in. I called and asked my bosses if I could just change my shift or take 2 hours off. They agreed to let me change my shift and I was stuck working the same shift as Joe.

When I arrived at work, Joe was standing across from my desk talking to one of our co-workers. He made a comment that I showed to be taking the day off on the schedule. I responded that I know and he coolly responded, "Okay then," and went back to speaking to our co-worker.

I spent the day crying off and on. I was so distraught over Oliver and then having to try to deal with Joe and that bullshit I was feeling overwhelmed. And of course people knew I was upset. You can't exactly hide the tears and nose blowing and non-speaking.

My bosses were understanding and gave me a task that required very little human interaction. Of course, I still managed to get in trouble and have an even worse day. Some fucking higher up manager reported me as being loud when I went to talk to some clerks about a business matter. I was floored. We don't work in a fucking library. I thought the whole thing was bullshit and wanted to just beat the shit out of somebody. Instead I just stopped working on the project that they gave me and went back to answering the phone. I had to speak with Joe twice about something work related, but I couldn't even look him in the eye.

Right before the Vet closed I called to check on Oliver. He still had not eaten, but was resting comfortably and responding well to the IV fluids and antibiotics. That little bit of knowledge helped relieve some of my anxiety and I was able to have a regular conversation with one of my co-workers.

About 5 minutes before my shift was to end, I left work. The thought of walking to the car with Joe was just not something I could handle. I saw Joe watching me from the window when I was pulling out of the parking lot. I'm not sure if our co-worker said something to him about my leaving early or not. And I really don't care.

Now I'm home and I miss Oliver terribly. There was no fuzzy butt greeting me at the door and no one to cuddle with on the sofa or in bed. I am hoping that whatever is wrong with him is easily fixed. I'm not ready to lose my boy just yet.

UN-FUCKING-BELIVABLE!!!!

My luck is just for shit. I went to work today sad but at least feeling able to make it through the day. Then the unthinkable happened. Joe showed up and completely threw me off kilter. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe it. He was supposed to have traded shifts for the next two weeks.

I couldn't look at him. Every time I had to pass his desk I purposely looked the other way. He was just laughing and talking and carrying on with everybody else throughout the day like nothing has happened. That just made me feel worse. When 7PM arrived I ran out of there like I was being shot at.

How am I supposed to get past this when he is right there?! Acting like nothing has changed?! Like our friendship was so insignificant?!

When It Rains, It Fucking Pours!

Oliver might be sick. I came home tonight to find him lethargic and unresponsive. I held him for a long time just crying. He let me hold him too, appearing to be drifiting in and out of consciousness. After a while though he perked up.

So I am not sure if he just ate something that made him feel bad or if this is a sign of something else. If he is not better in the morning I will take him to the vet. I can't lose my baby too after all this bullshit with Joe.

A Day In Hell

So today was supposed to be one of the coldest days in history. I got no sleep last night between grieving over my lost friendship with Joe and my mother keeping me up all night going back & forth to the bathroom. Plus I had discovered during my trip to the garage for the keys and garage door opener that Joe left, that I had a flat tire.

With no sleep, a broken heart and no idea how to get through the day, I got up and numbingly went on about my business. Cost me $100 to replace the tire. It was beyond being patched. We made it to the cemetary just in time. We were pleasantly surprised at the amount of people in attendance.

The funeral was short. We made the necessary comments and gestures. I am still not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I saw Baby Sister and she actually hugged me. We had not spoken to each other in over a year.

I took mom home immediately after the funeral. Then I went straight to Joe's. His reception of me was rather cold. He told me that he was in NO mood for any more drama but he allowed me to come in.

The conversation was strained. We made very little small talk. Eventually we started to discuss my reason for being there.

He told me that he did not want to have this argument anymore. That we keep going round and round over an unwinnable fight. That now it was like kicking a dead horse and he was tired. He did not understand my reaction to the cell phone incident. He had every right to give his cell phone to whoever he damn well pleased. I tried to explain that it wasn't about the stupid cell phone but the boundaries that I felt had been violated and crossed. And every time I tried to talk to him about it he just shut me out. He put up this barrier and I was trying everything I could to get past it.

He said that our friendship had run its course and was over. We had some fun but friendships were not meant to last forever. I asked if this was it. Once I left his house we were just to be mere acquaintances at work. He said yes. I tried to explain how unfair I thought he was being, but he completely tuned me out. He told me that now the horse had flies on it and he was pushing it to the curb. I immediately got up and left in tears. I drove all the way home that way.

The good news it that he traded shifts the next 2 weeks with someone already and we will not be able to see one another during that time. It will give me some time adjust.

Friends No More

I won't go into some long winded explanation. The following should be self explanatory.

My Instant Message:

Camlaw (10:25:59 AM): I called you last night to talk, but you were so upset over the husband that I decided it wasn't a good time.

Camlaw (10:27:13 AM): Baby Sister's dad died on Monday. I did not find out til I got to work yesterday. Seems they all thought I was at work and did not even bother to call my cell or anything.

Camlaw (10:28:42 AM): Anyway, the funeral is tomorrow. I was just going to take tomorrow off & attend but then my mother was hounding me last night about the funeral. She wants to go but Baby Sister is not going to take her so I have to.

Camlaw (10:29:45 AM): Which means I have to drive to ???? today & pick mom up and bring her to spend the night. Then tomorrow after the funeral I need take her back home.

Camlaw (10:32:26 AM): I am not sure how I feel about his passing away. He was always kind to me and he sincerely told me time & time again how proud he was of me. He was no blood relation but I was important to him. I am just kind of torn over the whole thing.

Camlaw (10:34:15 AM): So I have errands to run today. Things to do before I make the trip to ???? and deal with my grieving mother. They have been divorced for about 15 years but she is so sad.

Camlaw (11:01:13 AM): I really needed a friend last night. But I realize that it can't be you. You have the husband now and there is no room for me anymore. This self doubt and anger I feel needs to end. You have no idea what is going on with me and truth be told you don't care to know. Your whole world right now is the husband. And I can't keep hoping for little scraps of your attention and then get disappointed when all our time is spent talking about the husband. I am really trying to be here for you, but right now it is costing me too much.

Camlaw (11:06:22 AM): So I decided to distance myself further from you. I will not call or email you again. You need this time to deal with your new life with the husband and I need to deal with the loss of my best friend. I'm not saying we will never talk, and if you truly need me I am here for you. But I realize that you don't need me. Never have. And right now I see my presence in your life more as a burden than a blessing. And the last thing I want to be is a burden to anyone.

Camlaw (11:09:24 AM): So take care. I hope things get better for you and that you find the happiness you so richly deserve.


Joe's response:

I guess I failed at bein your friend as bad as I failed bein a husband and a general all around good guy from what you tell me that everyone says bout me....I am tired of tryin so I guess it'll be best to be on my own for a while...check your trash can lid in the garage...you have no more obligation toward me.


My response:

I found the keys. I didn't ask for them and was hoping I wouldn't get them back. I can't say I didn't react badly and scare the shit out of my mother though, but I got them.

YOU ARE NOT A BAD GUY! Nor a bad husband. The husband had problems LONG before he met you. Please don't make his problems and issues about you. I think it is WONDERFUL how much you love & care for him. I wish I had someone that devoted to me.

And who says you are not a good guy? The idiots at work? You come off as callous and aloof at times. Easy to dismiss someone if they make you mad. So what?! Fuck them! I'm the loud mouth, horrible bitch in their eyes and I could care less. Like any of them are some kind of prize!?

You didn't fail me. You just aren't here anymore. And I am hurting. The husband is your world now & there is no room for me. Everything changed so suddenly. One minute I was your best friend and the next I felt completely abandoned & alone. And the worst part is every time I tried to talk about it with you, we just fought. And then I felt worse cause you have enough shit to deal without me adding to your grief. Besides you made it perfectly clear that it was MY problem.

You were NEVER an obligation, Joe. The truth is I have a lot on mixed emotions about our friendship right now. I feel angry because you have no time for me. I feel guilty for not understanding your new priorities. I feel insecure about what I mean to you. I feel hurt that you spend all your time talking to me about the husband yet he knows next to nothing about me. I feel worried that our friendship is one-sided. I feel scared that while I try to get my head on straight and work out all my feelings, you'll discover how unnecessary I am in your life and never speak to me again. I feel devestated because while I am struggling to hang on to our friendship, you seem to be able to just walk away.

I care about you. I truly love you. But obviously that just isn't enough....

Fighting to Save a Friendship

Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) and I had a fight last night at work. Things are strained between him and the husband and I was trying to get him to be more open. The husband is going through a really tough time right now and did some things in reaction to it. I told Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) that although the husband's behavior is not necessarily right, it is definitely understandable. The husband is freaking out and Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) needs to be understanding of what he is going through. That you can't predict how someone is going to react to things. I explained that Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) has a tendency to just shut people out when they don't react or do things the way he thinks they should. That he makes it impossible sometimes to deal with and he should not be so quick to throw away his chance at happiness because things are difficult right now.

Words were exchanged and Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) ended up asking me if he was such a piece of shit then why was I even friends with him. I told him it was because of the things he does for me. That seemed to just offend him. I asked him if he realized that I talk about him so much that people tend to think he's my actual boyfriend. That he's so important to me and that I love him dearly.

He told me he had some thinking to do and I went back to my desk to give him some space. Because I am so much better expressing myself in the written form instead of the the verbal one, I ended up sending this instant message to answer his question of why he is my friend:

Camlaw(11:50:27 PM): I love you because I think you are funny and smart and have a tremendous heart. You make me laugh, you make me think, you teach me things and you push me at times when I really need it. You have been there for me when I had no other family or friends. You do things for me because I need them done even when I don't realize that I do. I often wonder why you are MY friend because I don't think I provide a 1/4 of the things that you provide to me. I sometimes think I am not good enough to be your friend. And maybe that is why I am so worried that it will be so easy for you to end our friendship which means the world to me.

Camlaw(12:02:12 AM): YOU ARE NOT A PIECE OF SH!T... Don't ever think that. You are just sometimes hard to understand and that makes it difficult for people (ME) to interact with you. And instead of trying to communicate with them, you shut them out. I know I have issues. We all have issues. But please don't turn your back on me or any one else because things are hard or dramatic or not easily worked out.

He did not respond and we spent the rest of the night at our individual desks in an awkward silence. Which was immediately noticed by Fashion Show. She sent me a message asking me if we were okay and I responded that we were fine. I hate hashing all this shit out at work because it really should be between the 2 of us. But that is the only time I ever see or speak to Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) lately.

Towards the end of our shift I decided to ask my boss if I could leave early. I took an hour trade time. I couldn't imagine walking to the car with Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) after the heated exchange we had. Before I left I sent him this last instant message.


Camlaw(6:30:02 AM): I'm leaving now. Take care. Have fun at the concert. I'm here if you need me or just want to talk. See you in 2 weeks. I'll miss you!

I hope things can be worked out between him and the husband. I also hope that we can resolve things between us and get back on track. I feel like he is slipping away from me and I am fighting like hell to save our friendship. I can't imagine him not being a part of my life and I don't want to.

New Year = New Me?

The New Year has arrived. And with it brings the promise of hope. Hope for changes not only personally, but for the world as a whole.

I made my New Year's resolutions. Lose weight, expand my horizons, find a way to be happy this year. All this drama with Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) has me re-evaluating my life. I put some much of myself into our friendship that it has become extremely unhealthy. It is almost like we were unknowingly lovers. Which completely creeps me out cause I have never thought of him that way. But all this fighting and hurt feelings feels like a hideous break-up. Maybe all the accusations made of us being married were actually right on target. YIKES!