Green Eyed Monster? I Think Not!

Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) still has not read my email. He accused me of being jealous of the husband. And although we have spent all night talking on the phone last night, he still is no closer to understanding my feelings. I'm just so frustrated over the whole thing.

I’m not jealous. I’m hurt. If I were jealous, I wouldn’t want him to spend any time with the husband. I would resent the husband for monopolizing all of Joe’s (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) thoughts and time. But that’s not the case. I’m pissed off that the husband had access to my text messages to Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend). I’m angry that the husband thought it was okay to speak to me that way. It makes me wonder what Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) has said to him about me to make the husband think it was okay to treat me that way. I’m hurt that Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) keeps blowing off reading my emails like my feelings don’t matter.

It’s because I’m so lost right now that I made a decision. I need some space from Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend). I got to figure out how to get over our fight and accept the fact that things have changed between us whether he wants to acknowledge it or not. Plus I need to get used to not having him constantly available to me anymore. Learn how to be completely alone again.

So I changed my work schedule for 2 weeks starting Jan 5th. We won’t see each other at work at all during that time. In addition, I’m going to try to limit my phone calls and text messages to him. I need to get my head on straight before this thing makes me even crazier than it already has.

Can I Get A Little Peace of Mind...PLEASE?!

I still ain't sleeping worth a damn. Things are still a little strained between Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) and me. And he hasn't read my last 2 emails I sent him. I'm tired, anxious and annoyed!

I'm getting about 3 hours of sleep a night. It's taking a toll on me cause I can't seem to function properly at work. I am short tempered and easily distracted. I have tried taking naps. Those last the most 2 hours, if I can even get to sleep to begin with. I know it seems that it's all a result of things between Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) and me but that is just one of many things on my mind.

I wasn't able to participate in the holidays this year. Not one gift or holiday card was sent. And although in the past few years the holidays have made me extremely stressed and miserable, I still would have liked to been able to at least buy my mother something nice for Christmas. I may not have had the headache of holiday shopping and stress of debt consumption, but I habor alot of guilt instead. I know I will eventually get over it, but at the moment it weighs heavily on my mind.

This has been a tough year for me financially though like it has been for alot of, if not most people. Oliver was deathly ill this summer, costing me $3000+ for treatment. I borrowed some money from my mother and worked my ass of at work during that whole ordeal. I was so distraught during that time that I backed my car into the shelves in my garage. The car was fine but my shelves are slightly broken. I have no money to replace them but they still appear to be functional.

I was really hoping for a promotion at work this year making almost $6 more an hour than I'm making now. I've been trying for 3 years to get this promotion, but they weren't offering many openings until this year. Not only would this new position help me financially but also get me out of the rut I'm in with my current department. I've been miserable there for a couple of years now and was hoping the change would do me good. I watched several people get the promotion because they have more service than I do. Even a woman I had actually encouraged to apply from my own crew received one of the openings I was so desperately seeking.

Then a couple of weeks ago my hopes were dashed. My company announced a major layoff. Now instead of hoping for a promotion, I'm just praying I can keep the miserable position I currently have. On top of that, our work contract is up in April (we are a unionized company) and the real possibility of a strike is looming. So now I am scrimping and saving every penny I can so that I can pay my mortgage and whatnot while we picket for the predicted 2 to 3 months expected.

Another thing is my lease is ending on my Honda Accord. Of course I have no idea what I am doing. I want to beg Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) to help me return this car and get me a smaller & much cheaper vehicle. I got taken complete advantage of when I got the Honda and have been paying through the nose for it for the past 3 years. The idea of trying to negotiate another vehicle purchase just scares the hell out of me. But Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) is pre-occupied with re-establishing his relationship with the husband and I need to learn how to do this shit on my own anyway.

Speaking of Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend), things are better between us even if they are still a little strained. We kind of talk to each other with kid gloves, trying not to upset or anger one another. He still has not read my feeling emails and I've taken to nagging him about it. He says he has no desire to deal with feelings right now and I can't seem to make him understand how important it is to me. I just want some kind of acknowledgement of my feelings but I'm slowly realizing that it probably won't happen. I'm trying to accept it and move on but I'm not happy about it.

I guess in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter anyway. We're still friends. I had wrote those emails to sort through things and in doing so I felt tremendously better. Whether he ever gets around to reading them or not, at least they benefitted me. Now we just got to get to a place where we feel completely comfortable with one another again. It's going to take time, but I have no doubt that we will get there.

Revelations and Changes

Well , I just got off the phone with Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend). He has not read my emails yet. But he has saved them where he can read them later.

In the course of our discussion tonight it is was revealed that the ex is now the husband. I must admit I am surprised how quickly things have progressed between them. But Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) always told me how special the husband always was to him. He informed me that when they saw each other it was like nothing had changed. I mean obviously some things have changed, but their feelings for each other and their connection is still very much alive.

I won't lie and say that I'm not terrified. I mean Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) went from looking for a serious relationship, to in a relationship, to seriously committed/married in the course of 2 weeks. Now of course the person he has committed himself to is not a stranger, at least not to him. And I was not around when they were first together, so I cannot begin to truly understand their bond. But it is obvious that it exists. This person is important enough to Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) for him to jump right back in to a seriously relationship with and take this chance of being extremely hurt by him again.

My first instinct is to protect him. But he is a grown man and needs to do this. So I have to stand back and offer whatever help and support I can. I'm kind of lost on how to be there for him though. I don't want to push, yet I don't want to completely back away and have him think I have abandoned him either. Things are strained between us and right now, at least on my end anyway. I'm trying to figure out how to navigate the changes. My hope is that all this drama and anxiety will be worth it and we will be even closer than before...

Feeling Better...

I cannot believe how much better I feel since I sent my email this morning to Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend). I have not heard from him yet, so I have no idea if he even read my email yet. But because I can't seem to let anything go, I sent him ANOTHER email. This time is was titled Better.

I am not sure how my last email was received. I do not know if I managed to piss you off again, or if I was able to explain how I felt in a way you could understand. But I wanted to let you know, that after I sent that email I felt SOOOO much better. The ache is gone and I am no longer teary eyed (I did not shed one tear until I got to the touchy feely stuff at the end, but they were good tears). I was even able to laugh my ass off today talking to K-man about his crazy holiday experience.

As you know, I am much better at expressing myself in the written form. I think that is why I have like 5 freaking blogs. But anyway, in typing out that NOVEL of an email I was able to realize what was really bothering me. I got it out, and now I feel better.

But anyway, I hope you took my previous email as I meant it to be. Just a way to express how I was feeling. And maybe now with everything out on the table, we will get past all this drama and get back to making fun of others and arguing over the dumb shit we always do!

Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) comes into work around 11pm. I will gauge his reaction then.

Not Resolved

I did not sleep worth a damn last night. And I decided to send Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) another email. I titled it Feelings.

I don't feel better. After our discussion yesterday, I still don't feel any better. I'm still hurting. I still feel like we're not on equal footing, like something is broken. And if you noticed, I was just a babbling idiot yesterday. I just kept talking and talking...and to Chatter Box no less...about anything and everything. How often do I talk like that?

I tried to rationalize my lack of relief and uneasiness yesterday on fatigue. I hadn't slept right in a few days and thought, "well you just went through the emotional wringer, after some rest you'll feel better." Well, I'm still not sleeping. I still have this ache in my chest and I'm still on the verge of tears.

I'm not sure what it is. I think maybe it's a combination of things. Maybe its the fear that you will abandon me. Maybe its the uncertainty of where I now fit into your life. Do I still call and text and talk to you like always? Do you need time and space to reconnect with the ex? What are the boundaries? What are the new rules? I don't want to monopolize your time. I don't want to be a burden to you and make you think you have to chose between your relationship with him and our friendship.

I had a hard time yesterday trying to express my feelings. I know the reaction to the text messages was extreme, but it was like a sign to me that this was the beginning of the end of our friendship. I couldn't make you understand how I felt to have some stranger (to me anyway) responding to me that way. I never expected him to have access to your cell phone like that, let alone be reading your text messages. It was like a betrayal to me. I would never presume to read your text messages on your cell phone and I most definitely would not think to respond to any of them. You don't give me that kind of access. The fact that he had that privilege bothered me. That you allowed him to read my messages to you, messages which I found out later that you yourself had not even read...I just can't express how upsetting that was/is to me.

I'm not saying that I don't want you to share things between us with him. And I am most definitely not saying that he can never read any correspondence between us. What I am saying is just think about how it made me feel? Would it have been alright for me to read his text messages to you without you reading them first? Would it have been alright for me to respond in ANY kind of way (crude or not) without your knowledge?

Maybe what I am getting at is you have a privacy with him that I would never dream of violating and yet I felt that you held no such terms for me. Like I was expected to respect him and his place in your life yet I had none of that respect in return.You allowed him access to our friendship that you would never give to me.

And I think that is the crutch of all this. The crude comments I can get over. In fact, I realize that isn't the real issue. I think it was the lack of respect. The disregard for my role in your life. The feeling that you are protective of your relationship with him and not your relationship with me. That I was expected to adhere to guidelines and boundaries that he wasn't.

Yesterday, you mentioned an apology but it was not actually given to me. And I realize now that an apology would have been nice. A real one. Not a heated, "I was gonna apologize but you pissed me off too badly" one. I was hurt, Joe. Whether the intention was there or not, I was hurt. I still am. Although typing this massive email has helped me out tremendously.

I hope this email helps you understand where I am coming from. There is no anger here, no tears. I did not send this to anger you. And I am not making any demands. I am just trying to express how I feel. I want to get passed this and feel OK with you again. Right now I feel awkward and out of place. You are very important to me. And I have absolutely no intention of ending our friendship. Seeing my house keys and garage door opener on your desk really hurt me. I never asked for them back and the thought that your were willing to give them back so quickly was devastating to me.

You said that you had no idea where you stood with me. So here it goes. You are the most important person in my life. I have no other friends that I share things with. I look forward to talking to you most days (I can't say everyday cause some days I don't want to talk to anyone). It scares me how much I care about you because I fear that it isn't returned. I love you....not to say that I am in love with you. (shudders) But you are like family to me. You are the first person I want to tell things to, good or bad. You make me laugh, you piss me off, and I am extremely protective of you. I want you safe. I want you happy. And I most definitely want you around for next 150 years to give me grief and help me make it through each day. For lack of a better term, you are my best friend. Please never doubt that.

I'm not sure how he will receive this email. But writing it was very therapeutic for me. After I sent it, I felt like I could relax a little. I just hope it makes sense to him. And I hope it doesn't damage whatever steps we made yesterday to repair things.

And The Gloves Come Off

Well Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) and I had a long talk today at work. He immediately came to my desk when I arrived. I didn't think he wanted to have this discussion at work in front of all our nosey co-workers but he did not care. We were gonna hash it our one way or the other. Needless to say tears were shed (by me) and heated words were exchanged (by both of us)

It turns out that he did not know what was being sent to me. He had not even read all my text messages. At first he was trying to drive & text to me but it was too much. He had the ex text me instead. The first 2 texts were from him, with the 2nd one (dick in my mouth) being sent by the ex for him. After that, they all came from the ex.

Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) was angry. He didn't understand why I was so upset. He confronted me about my bitch-mails. He said that they felt like I slapped him in the face. He told me I should have called him if I was so upset, because he needed to hear my tone. This all could have been worked out without all the unnecessary drama. And didn't we have an agreement anyway that I was not going to contact him while he was out on dates?

I tried to explain why I was so upset. And explained that the reason I did not call him was because we had that agreement. I told him that I was just checking on him. I had no idea how he was doing. He had not slept, had not seen this man in over 5 years. I had no idea how things were going. If he was an emotional mess. He tends to keep to himself. And I wanted him to know I was worried about him and here if he needed me.

I told him that I could not understand why the ex was reading & responding to my text messages. I tried to explain that I sent them to him, not the ex. I could not understand why the ex had access to his cell phone anyway.

I stated that I had no idea where I stood with him and he told me he felt the same way. He did have my house keys and garage door opener on his work desk to return to me. I cried even harder then. I told him I never had any intention of asking for those back and I certainly didn't want them.

We continued to discuss things and in the end got some things resolved. We spent the rest of the day talking, but there was still some underlying awkwardness, at least on my end anyway.

I still feel teary eyed and still ache. I think I am just exhausted. Maybe after a good night's sleep, I will feel a whole lot better about everything.

Blue Christmas

So not a peep was heard all day from Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend). Not a phone call, text, email, IM...nothing. I checked all day just hoping for some kind of response.

I guess that answers my question about our friendship. It really upsets me because I know if he was this upset with me, I would try to talk to him about it. I would apologize for making him feel bad. Even if I did not understand why he felt that way, I would still try to acknowledge his hurt feelings. That's what friends are supposed to do right?

I had a for shit day. Everyone I encountered knew something was wrong, but I couldn't talk to any of them about it. Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) and I work together and no one needs to know our personal business at work.

We are supposed to work together tomorrow. I half expect him to hand me his set of keys and garage door opener to my house when I arrive to work. I know that sounds extreme but last year he got really angry with me over something at work and threatened to do just that. I couldn't believe how upset he was and tried to talk things out with him. I was so hurt that he was wanting to end our friendship over a work dispute. I'd be stupid not to think that he would be willing to do the same thing if he felt I was trying to come between him and the ex.

I'm not sure what I will say or do if he does return the keys and garage door opener. I know I will be devastated. But I can't make him be my friend. And I would never want to be friends with someone that couldn't be respectful of my feelings anyway. No matter how much I care about them.

Heartbroken

I think I have lost or am losing (for lack of a better term) my best friend. And this little fact has me devastated. Since I have not been able to speak to him about this, I am left with my jumbled emotions which I have decided to try and decipher here.

Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) is what people would consider my best friend. I have never liked that term cause it seems rather juvenile but that is not the issue here. I guess the best place to start is at the beginning or as close to the beginning as I can get.

Recently, Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) has re-entered the dating scene. At first I was terrified. I was afraid he would find someone and forget all about me. I have had friends in the past that as soon as they found a man, stopped talking to me. Plus he was always joking that as soon as he found a husband we were DIVORCED! I usually let the comments roll off my back but in my family we usually use jokes and sarcastic comments to express our true feelings. So I guess in the back of my mind I always wondered if there wasn't some truth to his statement.

But anyway, I wanted to be supportive. I know how lonely Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) is and I would never want him to be unhappy. I even went and bought him an assortment of condoms to show my support. And at the encouragement of decayed rebirth I also let him know about my fears of abandonment. Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) told me that he wasn't going anywhere. The chances of him finding a husband were pretty slim and he was sure I would abandon him before he would abandon me.

So Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) began to date. He had his ups and downs. A couple of guys seemed very promising but turned out to be disappointments. And even though he was having bad luck, he kept trying. But about 2 weeks ago something happened. An ex of his contacted him out of the blue. They had not seen nor spoken to each other in over 5 years and Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) was shocked. Their parting had been an awful one, but this guy has always held a special place is Joe's (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) heart.

Now I don't know all the details, but the other night while Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) was voicing some of his concerns to me regarding the ex, he informed me that they were back together. He tried to explain that they weren't together together like I was thinking, but more like they had agreed to begin seeing each other again exclusively. The whole situation was rather confusing to me, but I tried to discuss his concerns with him and encourage him to give the ex the benefit of the doubt. Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) has a tendency to think the worst of people because of his past experiences. I always try to be optimistic. Things are not always how they appear to be.

Anyway, yesterday was the first time Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) and the ex were going to see each other. Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) works the overnight shift at work and was going to the ex's house without having slept first. Now the night before he did not sleep well because of his concerns regarding the ex. Needless to say, he had been extremely sleepy at work and was having a hard time staying awake.

Anyway, we spoke briefly on the phone yesterday morning (around 9 am) before he got ready to leave to meet the ex. I asked is he was awake enough to drive. He assured me he would be okay. We joked about what he was going to wear. Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) always wears shorts and a tank top no matter what the weather. I wasn't sure until recently if he even owned a pair of pants. So I teased him about wearing pants. He said he might just have to break down and wear pants since the weather was so cold and he was actually going to be out and about and not just sitting in the house or in an office building.

We ended our call so Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) could hop in the shower and leave. I went back to bed hoping to get a couple more hours sleep before I had to get up and get ready for work. When I got to work (around 3pm), I sent Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) a text on his cell asking how he was doing and if he was wearing pants. He responded that I was wrong. I realized that he mis-interpretted what I was asking and responded that I wanted to know if he was wearing shorts or not. His response to me was "dick in my mouth".

I laughed off the response and replied that if he was actually getting some action I was thrilled and then I jokingly asked if it came in a box. I was referencing that Justin Timberlake SNL skit made last year called dick in a box which we had recently talked about. He did not respond and I went back to work.

About 3 1/2 hours later, I picked up my cell to send him another text and noticed that the previous message I thought I sent may not have gone through. So I resent it and another one asking how he was doing and if he had any sleep. The response I got was "my butt is full of sperm." Now I should have known then that something was not right. This was the second sexual comment sent to me and this is not Joe's (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) usual style. I wrote it off as a response to my dick in a box joke and responded that he better be using the condoms I got him. "Wanna eat my butt" was the next response I received and I was floored. I immediately sent another text asking who this was. "The husband" was the reply. I responded, "Well this is the wife, would you kindly have Joe call me when he becomes available."

I was extremely pissed off. Who the fuck did this guy think he was? Why was Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) allowing him to talk that way to me? For about an hour I sat at my desk at work floored by what had just happened. I went back and looked at my received text messages and realized that I was talking to this prick instead of Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) since my second text message. I was going to blow the incident off. But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to make it known that this was NOT acceptable behavior. I did not deserve to be disrespected that way and I wanted to make it clear that I was not happy about it.

So I sent Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) this email from work:

I don't want to make this an issue. And I debated whether I should even send this email. But since I'm not sure if you are aware of the incident, I thought it would be best to mention it.

This evening I sent a few text messages to your cell. I wanted to see if you were okay. I know you had not slept today and I wanted to check on you. I was not trying to invade your privacy or even interrupt your "quality time" with the ex.

The responses I got back were rather disturbing. At first I thought you were trying to be funny, but then I realized that they did not come from you. Once I realized that "the husband" was responding to me, I kindly asked him to have you call me when you became available.

I found the texts to be rather crude and disrespectful. I'm not sure if he was trying to be funny or just wanted to be an @SS. But I don't appreciate being spoken to that way and would like for you to let that be known. And in turn I will refrain from bothering you when you two are together. I just figured you would have left your cell phone in the car and gotten back to me later.

Like I said, I don't want to make this an issue. Do what you will with the information. I just wanted to let you know what happened and that it upset me. I am all for you finding love and being happy, but I will not tolerate being disrespected. Especially when I feel I have done nothing to provoke such behavior.

After I sent this email, I tried to put the incident behind me. But a couple of hours later when it came time for me to get off work, I realized that I couldn't call Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) like I usually do. I had no idea where he was, and I had just sent this email saying I would refrain from talking to him while he was spending time with the ex. How could I go back on my word and call him now? The whole drive home I kept replaying the entire incident in my head.

Did Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) know about the text messages? Why was the ex even allowed access to his cell phone? And if Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) was aware of the texts, did he think that this was acceptable behavior? And if so, what does that say about me? Was this the beginning of the end of our friendship?

By the time I got home (at midnight) I was a mess. I sent Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) a text to let him know I was home. I always do this when I don't talk to him on my way home from work so that he knows that I made it home safely. I went to check the mail and when I came back there was a response from him saying "Me and the ex are too." This made my heart break. Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) obviously had possession of his cell phone so what did this mean?

I sent him a reply telling him to read his email and went about feeding Oliver and changing out of my work clothes. The questions just kept running around over and over in my head. The more I thought about it, the more upset I became. About 30 minutes had passed, and I sent Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) another text. "By the way, I will not contact you again until I know you are alone. Happy fucking Holidays." I got no response.

I tried to go to bed, but I just started crying. I probably was overreacting, but I couldn't help how I felt. And Joe's (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) lack of interest in trying to find out what was wrong made me feel even worse. So after about an hour & half of tossing and turning and crying in my pillow, I got online. I saw one of Joe's (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) screen names online so I just started IM'ing him.

Camlaw: So far I am not a fan of your husband. And if I hadn't a spent the last hour and half crying I would not even bother sending this fucking IM. Chances are you aint going to get it anyway. But since there is no one else around to talk to, this will have to do.

Camlaw: I have no clue if you read my email that I sent from work. I have no idea if you give a shit about why I am so upset. But I must say that if the shoe was on the other foot, you would be pissed off too.

Camlaw: Your "husband" is a prick. And if you think I am overreacting tell me how you would feel if someone you didn't know sent you a text saying "my pussy is full of sperm" and "wanna eat my pussy"?

Camlaw: He dont know me, he has never met me and he should have NEVER sent that shit to me. YOU don't talk to me that way, why the fuck does he think it was OK for him to talk to me that way?

Camlaw: And what gets me is I have no clue if you were even aware of the shit he was sending me. Do you think it was no big deal? And if you do, then what does that say about our friendship?

Camlaw: Are you gonna be like everyone else I have known and let your "man" treat me any kind of way? As long as ya'll are together he can say whatever the fuck he wants to cause he matters more than me?

Camlaw: Here I thought I was talking to you. I was checking to see how you are doing since you hadn't slept and hadn't seen him in over 5 years. And it was him being an asshole! I mean would it have been OK for him to talk to Aunt **** or Old Lady Red or Hag #2 or Hag #1 or any of your other friends like that?

Camlaw: I want you to be happy. I really do. I know how lonely you are, cause I am lonely too. But I would never allow someone to say shit like that to you. I would never tolerate them disrespecting you. You are important to me. And I thought I was important to you.


I then copied this IM into an email titled "Just in case you give a fuck" and sent it to Joe (a.k.a gay boyfriend). I put a return stamp on it so that I would know when he read it. For a couple more hours I tried to sleep. The ache in my chest and the constant tears however kept me from it. At 5:30am I gave up and took some Tylenol PM. I finally passed out around 6 AM.

Around 9 AM I woke up and felt like shit. My eyes were all crusted up from the dry tears and the ache in my chest was still there. I checked my cell phone and email for a response from Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend). There was none. I did get the return stamp telling me he read my IM email at 830am. Since then I have been watching my email and cell phone awaiting a response.

I know I am probably making this into more of an issue than this needs to be. I know I am probably overreacting. I mean reading over everything I wrote, the whole incident seems rather trivial. But I can't help how I feel. I have been down this road before. I have dismissed cavalier behavior towards me before and tolerated more abuse than I ever care to experience all in the name of friendship. I was hoping that Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) would understand that. Maybe I was wrong.