Not Resolved

I did not sleep worth a damn last night. And I decided to send Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) another email. I titled it Feelings.

I don't feel better. After our discussion yesterday, I still don't feel any better. I'm still hurting. I still feel like we're not on equal footing, like something is broken. And if you noticed, I was just a babbling idiot yesterday. I just kept talking and talking...and to Chatter Box no less...about anything and everything. How often do I talk like that?

I tried to rationalize my lack of relief and uneasiness yesterday on fatigue. I hadn't slept right in a few days and thought, "well you just went through the emotional wringer, after some rest you'll feel better." Well, I'm still not sleeping. I still have this ache in my chest and I'm still on the verge of tears.

I'm not sure what it is. I think maybe it's a combination of things. Maybe its the fear that you will abandon me. Maybe its the uncertainty of where I now fit into your life. Do I still call and text and talk to you like always? Do you need time and space to reconnect with the ex? What are the boundaries? What are the new rules? I don't want to monopolize your time. I don't want to be a burden to you and make you think you have to chose between your relationship with him and our friendship.

I had a hard time yesterday trying to express my feelings. I know the reaction to the text messages was extreme, but it was like a sign to me that this was the beginning of the end of our friendship. I couldn't make you understand how I felt to have some stranger (to me anyway) responding to me that way. I never expected him to have access to your cell phone like that, let alone be reading your text messages. It was like a betrayal to me. I would never presume to read your text messages on your cell phone and I most definitely would not think to respond to any of them. You don't give me that kind of access. The fact that he had that privilege bothered me. That you allowed him to read my messages to you, messages which I found out later that you yourself had not even read...I just can't express how upsetting that was/is to me.

I'm not saying that I don't want you to share things between us with him. And I am most definitely not saying that he can never read any correspondence between us. What I am saying is just think about how it made me feel? Would it have been alright for me to read his text messages to you without you reading them first? Would it have been alright for me to respond in ANY kind of way (crude or not) without your knowledge?

Maybe what I am getting at is you have a privacy with him that I would never dream of violating and yet I felt that you held no such terms for me. Like I was expected to respect him and his place in your life yet I had none of that respect in return.You allowed him access to our friendship that you would never give to me.

And I think that is the crutch of all this. The crude comments I can get over. In fact, I realize that isn't the real issue. I think it was the lack of respect. The disregard for my role in your life. The feeling that you are protective of your relationship with him and not your relationship with me. That I was expected to adhere to guidelines and boundaries that he wasn't.

Yesterday, you mentioned an apology but it was not actually given to me. And I realize now that an apology would have been nice. A real one. Not a heated, "I was gonna apologize but you pissed me off too badly" one. I was hurt, Joe. Whether the intention was there or not, I was hurt. I still am. Although typing this massive email has helped me out tremendously.

I hope this email helps you understand where I am coming from. There is no anger here, no tears. I did not send this to anger you. And I am not making any demands. I am just trying to express how I feel. I want to get passed this and feel OK with you again. Right now I feel awkward and out of place. You are very important to me. And I have absolutely no intention of ending our friendship. Seeing my house keys and garage door opener on your desk really hurt me. I never asked for them back and the thought that your were willing to give them back so quickly was devastating to me.

You said that you had no idea where you stood with me. So here it goes. You are the most important person in my life. I have no other friends that I share things with. I look forward to talking to you most days (I can't say everyday cause some days I don't want to talk to anyone). It scares me how much I care about you because I fear that it isn't returned. I love you....not to say that I am in love with you. (shudders) But you are like family to me. You are the first person I want to tell things to, good or bad. You make me laugh, you piss me off, and I am extremely protective of you. I want you safe. I want you happy. And I most definitely want you around for next 150 years to give me grief and help me make it through each day. For lack of a better term, you are my best friend. Please never doubt that.

I'm not sure how he will receive this email. But writing it was very therapeutic for me. After I sent it, I felt like I could relax a little. I just hope it makes sense to him. And I hope it doesn't damage whatever steps we made yesterday to repair things.