Can I Get A Little Peace of Mind...PLEASE?!

I still ain't sleeping worth a damn. Things are still a little strained between Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) and me. And he hasn't read my last 2 emails I sent him. I'm tired, anxious and annoyed!

I'm getting about 3 hours of sleep a night. It's taking a toll on me cause I can't seem to function properly at work. I am short tempered and easily distracted. I have tried taking naps. Those last the most 2 hours, if I can even get to sleep to begin with. I know it seems that it's all a result of things between Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) and me but that is just one of many things on my mind.

I wasn't able to participate in the holidays this year. Not one gift or holiday card was sent. And although in the past few years the holidays have made me extremely stressed and miserable, I still would have liked to been able to at least buy my mother something nice for Christmas. I may not have had the headache of holiday shopping and stress of debt consumption, but I habor alot of guilt instead. I know I will eventually get over it, but at the moment it weighs heavily on my mind.

This has been a tough year for me financially though like it has been for alot of, if not most people. Oliver was deathly ill this summer, costing me $3000+ for treatment. I borrowed some money from my mother and worked my ass of at work during that whole ordeal. I was so distraught during that time that I backed my car into the shelves in my garage. The car was fine but my shelves are slightly broken. I have no money to replace them but they still appear to be functional.

I was really hoping for a promotion at work this year making almost $6 more an hour than I'm making now. I've been trying for 3 years to get this promotion, but they weren't offering many openings until this year. Not only would this new position help me financially but also get me out of the rut I'm in with my current department. I've been miserable there for a couple of years now and was hoping the change would do me good. I watched several people get the promotion because they have more service than I do. Even a woman I had actually encouraged to apply from my own crew received one of the openings I was so desperately seeking.

Then a couple of weeks ago my hopes were dashed. My company announced a major layoff. Now instead of hoping for a promotion, I'm just praying I can keep the miserable position I currently have. On top of that, our work contract is up in April (we are a unionized company) and the real possibility of a strike is looming. So now I am scrimping and saving every penny I can so that I can pay my mortgage and whatnot while we picket for the predicted 2 to 3 months expected.

Another thing is my lease is ending on my Honda Accord. Of course I have no idea what I am doing. I want to beg Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) to help me return this car and get me a smaller & much cheaper vehicle. I got taken complete advantage of when I got the Honda and have been paying through the nose for it for the past 3 years. The idea of trying to negotiate another vehicle purchase just scares the hell out of me. But Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) is pre-occupied with re-establishing his relationship with the husband and I need to learn how to do this shit on my own anyway.

Speaking of Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend), things are better between us even if they are still a little strained. We kind of talk to each other with kid gloves, trying not to upset or anger one another. He still has not read my feeling emails and I've taken to nagging him about it. He says he has no desire to deal with feelings right now and I can't seem to make him understand how important it is to me. I just want some kind of acknowledgement of my feelings but I'm slowly realizing that it probably won't happen. I'm trying to accept it and move on but I'm not happy about it.

I guess in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter anyway. We're still friends. I had wrote those emails to sort through things and in doing so I felt tremendously better. Whether he ever gets around to reading them or not, at least they benefitted me. Now we just got to get to a place where we feel completely comfortable with one another again. It's going to take time, but I have no doubt that we will get there.