More Truths Revealed

I got a response from Joe. I was already at work when he replied to me though. I accessed my email this afternoon and read it however. He said:

its not that i dont want us to be friends...i dont want that conversation ever again.....you dont want to hear bout what is in my life and i dont want that conversation, so we dont speak...i guess its the easy way to deal....work stuff is easy to talk bout cus it dont lead to either of our dreaded conversations.

i never WANTED to stop talkin to you...i just never want to have to argue that endless fight again.

im sorry bout oliver too...i know how you must miss him.

I read and re-read this email before I finally responded. I stayed a few minutes late at work to send it to him.

Yes, I miss Oliver like crazy. I sleep every night with his ashes next to my pillow. I still call out for him on occasion without thinking. Plus, I still haven't packed up all his belongings.

And discussing work related items with you is not easy for me. I have a hard time looking you in the eye. I wear my headphones all day so I don't have to hear your voice or overhear your personal conversations. I leave work a few minutes early on the days we work together just so I don't have to walk to the parking lot with you. Some days I just want to scream, "DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL ANYMORE?!"

There were 3 things that I needed from you to get me to end that conversation/endless fight: apologize, recognize my feelings, and reassure me about my place in your life. I didn't think needing these things from you was asking too much. Had you asked them from me, I would've given them to you in a heartbeat. The fact that you wouldn't do the same for me was/is unbelievably hurtful.

I want to be a part of your life, but not without respect…no matter how lonely I am or how much I miss you. But I'm struggling and I wanted you to know that. I guess because a tiny part of me hopes you miss me too. That my absence from your life does affect you. That maybe one day we will reconcile. I guess I just can't let you completely go.

It doesn't get more honest than that folks.

Truths

I've been thinking a lot this past week about things. Mulling over past conversations and analyzing things til my head hurt.

EJ had posted a question to me that I really tried my best answer. She asked what did Joe & I really have in common other than working together. I gave the pat answers of common interests and beliefs. And as she condescendingly listened and dismissed my answers, I decided to do a little soul searching.

The truth is what do I have in common with any of my friends. EJ and I attended college together. She is a divorced single mom with a flexible job. She is very sociable and outgoing. She loves jazz and to travel. We don't see eye to eye on gay marriage or other societal issues. We don't like the same movies or TV shows. She is religious, but not overbearingly so.

McMargie was my college roommate. She is married with 2 kids. She has her own business and is very active in the Catholic church. She comes from a stable home where her parents are still together and are very loving. We don't listen to the same music (she likes country), or watch the same movies or TV shows. Although she does watch Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles which I discovered last week during my visit. HA!

I, on the other hand, am a homebody. I don't make friends easily. I'm not very sociable. I have never been married and don't want kids. I don't like to travel. Hell, I hate just driving to work every day. I love rock music, was never raised with religion, came from a broken and abusive home, and spend most of my time escaping reality through TV and movies. I'm a strong supporter of gay rights. I have a demanding and rigid job. I tend to spend a majority of my time completely alone.

The point is I am friends with these people because we have a connection...a bond of sorts. Some times it is stronger than others, but it is still there. And if I relied only on what we have in common as a criteria for us to remain friends, we wouldn't still be in each other's lives 12-15 years later. This realization got me thinking over my current relationship, or lack there of, with Joe.

So I sent Joe this email this morning. I wrote it the other day and was going to wait to send it to him when I'm on vacation next week, but as usual I changed my mind. I titled it truths.

You're still my best friend...even though you've hurt me so deeply. And it doesn't matter how many people tell me what an asshole you are. And it doesn't matter that you no longer want me to be your friend, let alone best friend. I can't deny that you are still mine.

My first instinct is still to share whatever I saw or read or heard or experienced or discovered with you. I still value your opinion over everyone else's. And I worry about you although I probably shouldn't. I think about you all the time even if lately there have been days where I harbor this overwhelming urge to punch you in the face. I still care.

I really miss you. That doesn't change anything though. I still want what I want, as do you. But I thought you should know that none of this is easy for me. That I go to work everyday trying to respect the way things are between us now...to keep my distance and leave you completely alone. Some days are harder than others.

The truth is if you came to me right now and said you needed me or my help I would do everything in my power to be there for or give it to you. I love you and that hasn't changed. I just wanted you to know.

We'll see if/how he responds. I know so many people think I'm crazy for still caring about him. I feel what I feel and I won't apologize for that. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else. Hell, it doesn't make sense to me! But then emotions are not logical or rational. Once you come to that realization, it becomes easier just to go with the flow.

The Stupid Games That People Play

I want it all to stop. The anger and hurt feelings and games and frustration. All of it. I just want it to be over. And I keep trying. I try to ignore him, not engage him, keep to myself and not deal with him. But it is very difficult with him sitting 4 desks away, walking by my desk several times a day, talking way too loud across the room to everyone we work with with such fake friendliness and sending me obnoxious instant messages like he did last night after I left. It's all mind games and I'm sick of it.

[Sat 03/21] Joe (8:01:11 PM): you dint send me a q to let me know you were leavin

I got this instant message this afternoon when I logged in at work. Why on earth would I want to have any further communication with Joe after the blow up we had? I was trying to get out of there last night before I did something that would cost me my job. I notified our other co-worker of my leaving as a common courtesy. Joe could've gone and fucked himself for all I cared. I started to respond that I'm sick of his games, but I decided not to. Responding would just be inviting more of the same bullshit.

What I don't understand is that HE ended the friendship. I finally accepted it 2 months later and have done everything I can to respect his decision and stay away from him. I don't call him, send text messages, talk to him at work, or bother him in anyway. Yet he still treats me with such disdain. I didn't end the friendship, he did. I fought for 2 months to reconcile and he refused. So why am I the bad guy?

My mom told me she was proud of me last night. She said most people would be vindictive and bitter and try to go after the people that hurt them. I told her that I never thought of doing any harm to him or his property until recently when all I want to do is punch him in the face. But that is a provoked response to his behavior towards me and not my usual nature. And I have been very successful in not fulfilling the violent urge. Although last night I was really tempted to just go for it. The smug bastard.

I told EJ last night that I want him knocked down a peg or two. Not like sick or hurt or anything, but just have something happen where he will stop bothering me. Whether it's a self revelation or someone putting him in his place. Just whatever it takes for him to be a fucking human being towards me and not a complete asshole. EJ told me I needed to confront him in the parking lot. I told her all that will do is add fuel the fire. Cause every time I have tried to talk to him before, his behavior towards me just got worse. She ended up agreeing with me.

So far today has been okay. Although the rumor mill has started. Supposedly the rumor is I just walked out last night. Like I just left without the boss' knowledge or something. I told 2 people what had happened but I'm curious to see how the rumor mill spins the tale tomorrow.

Joe and I have not spoken to one another and he has pretty much stayed quietly at his desk. I have my headphones on so that I don't have to hear his voice or overhear any of his personal conversations. Just 4 more hours left of my shift and then I can escape until tomorrow. I can't wait!

Keeping The Violent Tendancies At Bay

Last week was a really shitty week. Last night was just the icing on the cake. Joe and I had a rather loud argument last night resulting in me leaving work ill and coming home before I gave in to my overwhelming urge to beat the living shit out of him.

I left McMargie's extremely anxious and absolutely dreading returning to this nightmare environment. I had spent 2 blissful nights away from the bullshit and the mere idea of returning to it had me in knots. I mean I was literally in tears when I expressed to McMargie my desire not to come home.

I arrived to work 30 minutes early since I drove straight to work from McMargie's. I was tired from not having slept well the past 2 days. Plus I was stiff from the intense drive in. Not a good combination I now realize. Joe was his typical fake-ass self. Being overly friendly to everyone he normally wouldn't be bothered with. No words were exchanged between us as usual and I kept to myself working on getting my workload handled.

About 3 1/2 hours into my shift, I discovered a somewhat pressing item on my work load. When I did some investigating, I discovered that Joe was contacted about the work item and did not bother to handle it. I sent him a instant message and he did not reply. I discovered it was because he was not at his desk, but away at break. When he walked by my desk I turned to face him with I'm sure was a very sinister glare from the reaction he gave me. I asked him if he was called about the work item. He said he was. I asked if he had referred it to the manager. He hadn't, so I told him I would handle it and turned around to do so.

While I was in the process of calling the duty manager of that area, Joe decides he is going to handle the work item too. That just pissed me off even more. I walked down to his desk to ask him why he was even bothering now. He was successful in getting in touch with the manager and proceeded to refer the item to the manager. By this time it had been almost an hour since the item was first referred to Joe. Well, my standing at Joe's desk just pissed him off because he felt I was babysitting him which I wasn't. I had actually wanted to talk to the manager and give him the info I found out about the work item during my investigation.

Things got heated between us. I'm not even sure what all was said. I know he told me that the work item was no big deal, and how hard was it for me to even read it. He told me he still had the item up on his desk and was just at break. And I was just mad because he didn't answer my instant message. I told him that I have already had my ass chewed out for something similar earlier this week. That he just comes and goes as he pleases while the rest of us communicate with the crew when we go to lunch and breaks. That I have found other things he hasn't bothered to handle and I hadn't said anything.

I was just getting madder and madder. I finally told him I needed to walk away. I was to the point where I knew I was going to say or do something that I would regret and could cost me my job. Joe mouthed off a couple of more things, as did I and then I stormed off. I called EJ just fuming. I was so angry that I burst into tears. I told her what had happened and she convinced me to call my boss and tell her I was ill and needed to go home. And that is just what I did.

Before I left, I sent our other co-worker an instant message letting him know I was leaving. Then I packed up my shit and ran out of there. I called EJ and cried all the way home. I was just so angry. Plus I can't seem to make anyone understand how much all of this has taken a toll on me.

Everyone keeps telling me Joe is not worth all this grief. That I need to just get over it and move on. I'm trying to. Unfortunately, my emotions and feelings don't just shut off like a fucking switch. I cared deeply for him. I still do. Just because he turned out not to be worth the depth of my feelings doesn't mean I can just automatically shut them off. It takes time. And it doesn't help that I still have to face him 3 days a week for at least 5-9 hours each day.

I figure today will be better. Yesterday was just a bad day. I was hyper-sensitive and ill equipped to deal with his bullshit last night. I got some rest and I feel better than I did yesterday. So we will see what happens.

Friendship Theories

Today is not a good day. I have so many mixed emotions. I'm angry and sad and longing. I miss my friend even if he is an asshole and I have this overbearing urge to punch him in the face. I was talking to Mo-Mo today and she was telling me about these theories on friendships. She even sent me this email about it:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person...

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

It all makes sense in theory, but I am just not in a place to accept any of these theories right now. Maybe tomorrow.

Fake Ass Prick and the Ridiculous Job Steward

Joe is so fucking FAKE!!!!! He has been spending all his time at work lately talking to Stick Figure (who he cannot stand) and other co-workers that he normally wouldn't give the time of day to. And it's not just conversations he is having but over the top friendly conversations. Laughing and cutting up like he is their new best friend or something. I thought I was the only one that noticed. I found out today that I wasn't.

I made a comment today about how much I wanted out of our work crew because I am tired of not knowing who my friends are. Even those that I thought were my best friend for over 3 years turned out not to be my friend. That prompted Chatterbox to make a comment that she knew that me and Joe had a tiff. I informed her that it wasn't a tiff. That the friendship was over. I did not go into detail however.

She responded that the people you work with are just co-workers not friends. I explained that Joe was different. He had keys to my house and I had thought of him like family. That I was crushed that our friendship ended the way that it has. She was shocked.

I told her I couldn't stand how fake acting he's been with our other co-workers. That it makes we want to do things that I can't say out loud at work, but I did make some hand gestures. She laughed & said she wouldn't report me. She also said that she noticed Joe was not only being friendly but over the top friendly lately. I thanked her for validating my exact observations. She said that Joe told her that he couldn't stand Stick Figure yet she has seen him going out of his way to speak with Stick Figure recently. She said it was like Joe is trying to show how great his life is now. I said that I'm not fake and don't pretend to be something I'm not. I try to tell people like it is. And if anything this whole experience has made me pull away and keep to myself more.

Eventually we talked about work and the state of negotiations for our upcoming contract. We talked about getting second jobs and how poorly our job steward is keeping us informed. We discussed the form that we supposedly need to fill out to get strike pay. That we had to find out about it from other people and not our own job steward. It's so frustrating not knowing what is going on and not have the union support we need.

It was another long day but I survived. How? I have no idea.

Ignoring Urges of Violence

I didn't want to go into work today. The whole drive to work my stomach was in knots. I had no desire to see Joe. I'm tired of ignoring him and pretending that sitting four desks away from him doesn't bother me.

I called McMargie and asked her if the invitation still stood for spending Thursday night through Saturday morning at her home. She assured me it did and told me that I should never be afraid of overstaying my welcome. She said that I rarely come to visit and if I did come more often she would get upset if I came over more than once a week. Got to love her!

As soon as I got to work, I immediately put my headphones on. I kept my head down and watched several movies to pass the time. My work load wasn't too heavy and I was able to keep up with no real problems or concerns.

But then I made the mistake of looking at the other work loads. Things hadn't been done. Once I brought it to every one's attention, Joe started asking the other co-worker working with us about it. Joe said that the other co-worker was responsible for that area until a certain time. The other co-worker thought he was covering a different area. I tried to speak up but no one would listen to me. It was just a mess.

I finally walked away from my desk disgusted. I just wanted to punch someone in the face...particularly Joe. I ended up calling my mom and EJ to help calm me down instead. They both said punching someone in the face wasn't worth losing my job over. I know that. Then EJ made a point of telling me that my co-workers usually don't work and that I'm just overly irritated today because of all the other bullshit I am dealing with.

Eventually I calmed down and went back to my desk. The work was finally done. I made it through the rest of my shift with no violent outbursts and left 2 minutes early to avoid walking out to the parking lot with Joe. Now if I could just get through the next two days peacefully. Then I won't have to see Joe again until next Saturday. Woo Hoo!

My Mother and Me

Today is my mother's 59th birthday. I took the day off from work to spend it with her. I do this every year because I believe birthdays should be celebrated no matter what age you are.

So I packed up my car with Oliver's left over food and treats (my mother has 2 indoor cats and feeds a slew of stray cats outside) and the tons of Wal-Mart plastic bags I had collected (she goes through them like water). I didn't buy my mother a gift this year because mainly I'm trying to save every little of bit of money I can for the possible strike next month.

I stopped and bought her a birthday cake...chocolate of course...on my way to her apartment. I arrive a little after 12:30pm. We stayed at her place for a little while before leaving to have lunch somewhere. Now my mother never goes out to eat unless I or someone else takes her. Her idea of going out to eat is McDonald's. I asked her where she wanted to go and she said she could try something different like....Wendy's. I just looked at her like she was crazy. I explained that we should go to a sit down restaurant and not a fast food place. She offered IHop since she had been there not too long ago and it was sit down. As you can see, my mom is all about the high dollar places.

I said we should drive around and see what places were available in her area. She pointed out a KFC and a couple of other fast food restaurants as we drove by. I just shook my head at her. During our driving around, McMargie returned my call and invited me to come visit her on my days off next week. I had called McMargie on my way to my Mom's to see if McMargie was available next Friday, her birthday. I hadn't seen her since her birthday last year and I thought I could make the 2 hour drive up to see her. I was only planning on staying the day, but she invited me to stay a couple of days. I was hesitant and said I would think about it.

After driving around for a while, Mom & I finally just ended up at IHop. The place wasn't crowded and the staff was extremely friendly. I tried to decide if I wanted breakfast or not and Mom said she wanted a cheese burger. When the waitress asked her if she wanted fries or onion rings, my mother said neither and opted for broccoli instead. BROCCOLI?! Who the hell eats broccoli with a cheese burger?! OLD PEOPLE! That's who!

Anyway, we talked while we waited for our food. We discussed movies, documentaries, the economy and my crazy life the past couple of months. It was a very pleasant and relaxed time.

After lunch we went back to her apartment. Mom wasn't interested in catching a movie or doing anything else. So we just hung out at her place talking, eating cake and watching TV all night. We watched so many different shows including a mini-marathon of a REPO show on Tru TV. We got the biggest kick out of the people getting pepper sprayed on there. Neither one of us had watched the show before and found it very entertaining.

I also tried to entice my Mom's male cat (I nicknamed him Buuuub-ba because he is so big & fat) for my own selfish reasons. I kept shaking a cat treats bag at him trying to get him to come close enough to me so I could grab him for a cuddle. He was too skittish though. Seeing and being around him just made me long for my Ollie. Man, I really miss my boy!

Mom tried to convince me to spend a few days with McMargie. She told me I need to get away and spend time with my long time friend. Plus I haven't seen McMargie's new baby daughter and she is over 6 months old now.

Spending time with McMargie has always been a very soul soothing experience for me. There is just something about being around her that makes me feel relaxed, loved and safe. It's kind of like a sanctuary for me. And I'm very protective and leery of using it too often. I guess I don't want to ever spoil it or lose that place for me.

So I left Mom's apartment around 1030pm. She hugged me and thanked me profusely for spending the day with her. I told her she never has to thank me for that. She never did hear from Baby Sister. Not that I'm at all surprised. My sister has never been one for birthdays except her own. I keep hoping she'll grow up one day. Maybe next year.

Saying Goodbye, Letting Go, and Coming to Terms

So after my little revelation on Wednesday night, I have been at peace. I woke up Thursday for the first time with no ache in my chest and no preoccupation with my losses. I slept and watched TV and just relaxed. I didn't even bother to check my emails until yesterday before I got ready for work. In it was a response from Joe for the email I sent him Tuesday morning. I was surprised and a little leery to read it. But I did and this is what he said:

bottom line i read all your emails, and am still sick of the original argument and will do anything up to and including avoiding you all togethert to not have it again.

just agree to disagree and move on...otherwise i am never speakin to you again...

I had to laugh at this email. It just solidified what people have been telling me regarding this entire situation and Joe. This is the response that I sent this morning titled "goodbye":

In other words, I'm to ignore the apology owed to me, ignore the disregard for my feelings, ignore the cruel treatment towards me the past couple of months and THEN you will grace me with your presence. That’s not a true friendship, Joe. That's you trying to control me. And I realized that you have done this our entire relationship. You always threatened to take away your friendship if I didn't do whatever you wanted me to. And I always gave in because I never wanted our friendship to end.

Every time you have gotten upset with me or your feelings hurt, I always made the effort to try to smooth things over and make things right between us again. I always apologized and called and begged no matter if I understood why you were so upset or not. And when you had your times of self doubt and insecurity, I tried to build you back up and reassure you. Because as your friend....your best friend....that was what I needed to do. And I never minded or thought of it as a burden, because you are important to me.

But what I have finally learned during this whole nightmare experience is that you are either unwilling or unable to do the same for me. We obviously have different definitions of friendship. And while you are very generous with material things, you are very selfish emotionally. You believe that only a lover deserves your respect for and consideration of their feelings and emotions. Where as I believe anyone you care for deserves that respect. I would have never compared our friendship to a leash. I would have never told you that your feelings are not worth my time. I would have never ignored you during a time of grief. And I most definitely wouldn’t have purposely hurt you to make a point.

So bottom line for me is that while you see this as a simple argument that I refuse to let go of, I see this as a total disregard for me and my feelings. In a way, I do agree to disagree. I just don’t accept the terms of such an agreement. I realize that you will never apologize to me. You will never acknowledge and recognize my feelings. And you will continue to justify your cruel behavior towards me the past couple of months as acceptable since you have defined me as this jealous, petty person.

I still care for and love you, Joe. But I am not willing to over look these things for whatever little scraps of attention and affection you deem fit for me to receive. If I did, then I would be saying that it is acceptable to treat me this way and allowing for it to happen again. I'm no longer willing to do whatever it takes to keep this friendship, especially when I now know that it and I mean so little to you. So no matter how painful it is for me to let you go and for me to accept the fact that you are no longer a part of my life, I have to.

Like I have said before, I wish you a long, happy & healthy life. Take care.

I typed up this email before going to work yesterday. I had decided to wait to send it Monday night after work because I knew I wouldn't have to face Joe for 4 days afterwards. But I changed my mind. That's just me hiding again, and I don't want to do that anymore. We worked well together yesterday and that was after I had read his email & wrote out my response although he hadn't read it yet. So I woke up this morning and decided to just go ahead and send it now.

Hopefully he will take it well and we'll continue to work together with no problems. I'm finally letting him go. I now realize that he is never going to be the friend I thought he was or should be. He is who he is and that's okay. I'm just not willing to accept whatever crap he throws my way in the name of friendship anymore.

UPDATE... 3/8/09 11:30a

Joe's resonse to my email:

you keep tellin yourself all these lies....it'll make it all easier.

I have not responded and will not respond. No need. He is calling me a liar now. I guess I wasn't disrespected. I guess he didn't tell me that he didn't have time for my feelings. I guess he didn't ignore me after Oliver died. I guess he didn't just tell me that I either need to do what he wants, or he will never speak to me again. I imagined it all. WHAT A FUCKING JOKE!!!!!

Regaining My Equilibrium

I did not meet my goal of not discussing Joe today. EJ called and left a message this morning on my cell asking how I was doing. When I called her back, I told her that I was failing yet again in my attempt to stop talking about all this shit.

I told her about the latest encounter with Joe. I also told her about my crazy co-workers and the trade nightmare going on right now at work. I told her work has become a hostile environment for me. Everyday sucks.

EJ told me that my relationship with Joe was rather one-sided and leaning towards abusive. That although he was very generous with material things, he never gave emotionally. Every time things got rough between us it was always me that caved in and apologized. He never took responsibility for anything. And I was always willing to do whatever it took to make things right between us again. I was obviously much more invested emotionally than him. She told me to look back over the relationship and reflect on how things between us really were. To stop giving him power over me because that is what I am doing right now.

I told her that I tried to accept Joe as he was. That I thought he showed his affection by giving me things, which I really do believe is true. She told me that she knows how giving and unbelievably loyal I am. But my loyalty can also become my downfall. I tend to stick with people no matter what, getting extremely hurt in the process. That I need to let Joe go because this is not healthy for me.

As for my co-workers she told me not to let them folks drive me crazy. Just make my money and keep on doing what I'm doing. Let them go to the union or whatever other threat they choose. I told her I just didn't need anymore bullshit right now.

Then later on tonight I was finally given the male perspective I was looking for. I had asked Aviator to read my blog and give me his view on what happened between me & Joe. He told me that I need to look at my entries as an outsider. That he can see why Joe ended the friendship because I backed Joe in a corner and he did what he could to get out of it. That I needed to stop bringing up the past because no one likes to have the past continuously brought up to them and that is why Joe is so hostile towards me now. Every time I talk to him, I inevitably bring up the past and just agitate or aggravate him in the process. And now it's to the point were Joe's immediate response to me is irritation.

Then Aviator cautioned me to be careful with my blog entries. He said they seem awfully personal and leave me open to ridicule or be made a joke of. He also warned me that I am becoming that pathetic pity party person. Where I am reaching the point where people are starting to avoid me because all I seem to do is obsess over this stuff. He told me that he knows I recognize it because I have mentioned how pathetic I am in my entries. And I am not usually this person.

He told me that I will eventually be okay. I just need to get my equilibrium back. I am currently unbalanced and until I get back on a even keel I won't be who I usually am. That when I am ready, I need to speak to Joe with no agenda and certainly with no mention of the past. He told me that I am entitled to my feelings, and that women tend to cling to things where guys don't.

I can't express how grateful I am for Aviator's incite. It was like a light bulb finally went off for me. He never told me that I was wrong to feel the way that I do, but that I went about it the wrong way in expressing it, at least when it came to dealing with Joe. He helped me FINALLY understand where Joe was coming from.

I feel this tremendous relief. The mystery has been solved for me. All this time I have been trying to figure out Joe's perspective in all this. Now I finally know. I am hoping this will help me finally move on and regain my equilibrium. I really think it just might!

Making A New Deadline

I failed. My original goal to stop obsessing over and discussing all this shit regarding Joe did not happen. I did nothing but run my mouth about it all day today. I am pathetic.

After I sent that email to Joe this morning, I began to worry. What will his reaction be? Did I just make things worse? Is he going to retaliate somehow? I actually began feeling fearful. So far he hasn't responded, and I hope that he doesn't. I don't think I can take another hostile response from him right now. I am too fragile emotionally to deal with anything these days.

I stayed late at work tonight. One, to make up for the 30 minutes I took yesterday and two, to talk to Aviator about what has happened. I hadn't seen him in over a month and Joe had briefly touched on the fact that we were no longer friends last week. I tried explaining what had happened as best I could. But I know I was just confusing him. I eventually gave him a link to my blog and told him to read it. It's pretty much all here.

Aviator gave me some incite. He explained how some of the things I said and did can be seen as jealousy. But he also said that it all seemed rather fishy to him. That it was very obvious once Joe got a man, he did not need me anymore. And he was just blown away like every else that our friendship has ended so abruptly. He provided me some comfort because Aviator is pretty much a straight shooter. I believe he would tell me like it is and not just try to appease me and take my side.

When I came home I checked Joe's myspace page. I know! I am just utterly pathetic. Anyway, he has updated his status to read Joe loves his the husband and his mood is blessed. So I guess my speculation was wrong regarding the trouble in paradise. And whatever was going on a few days ago has passed and he is happy again.

So I decided. Time for a new goal. Starting tomorrow, I am no longer going to talk about this shit. It's unhealthy and sad and not doing me any good whatsoever. Joe has obviously moved on and its more than past time that I do the same. Hopefully I can stick to it this time.

Because I Can't Seem To Let Anything Go

I ended up leaving work earlier than I had planned last night. I was just so tired and upset and the thought of being there any longer was like unbelievable torture. I came home and immediately went to bed. I woke up at 4 am and called Old Lady Red at work crying. I told her what happened and she again was wonderful and tried to comfort me. Shortly after I called her though she ended up getting a call. After being on hold for a while I hung up and composed the following email to Joe:

I know I said I wasn't going to contact you again, but after your comments to me yesterday at work I decided that I needed to respond.

I don't understand your open hostility towards me. No matter what I say or do, you respond with such contempt and anger. And I am not sure if you are even aware of it or if it's intentional.

A week after Oliver died, I bought you groceries for your desk even though we had not spoken to one another all week. You didn't thank me, or acknowledge what a nice gesture it was, or even ask me how I have been. You just ask what is this and did I steal from you. Which I had already told you before that I hadn't. I always told you when I took anything from you. Why on earth would I start lying now? Besides we were not at a place where I would feel even remotely comfortable just taking something from you.

Two weeks after Oliver died, I left you a note saying that I miss you and wanted to know if you miss me. When you responded, I stated that it had been 2 weeks since we have spoken to one another and you immediately went into attack mode. All I wanted to know is if you missed me. Things got heated and ended with you saying: DO NOT USE MY WORK EMAIL AS A CONTACT FOR PERSONAL USE....FURTHER USE WILL BE FORWARDED TO MANAGEMENT. This was taken as a threat and at the time you meant it as a threat. It was in all caps!

I called you at home the next day and left a message on your answering machine apologizing for that email. I told you that I realize that our friendship is over, that I will not contact you again, and that I hope you have a nice life. Every time I see you at work, I try to honor my word and leave you alone. Even though it is killing me to do so. Especially when it appears that my absence from your life is no big deal.

Yesterday I asked Stick Figure to speak with you about work because I was not sure how I would be received after our last communication. Again you immediately attacked me. Telling me to "get over your personal stuffs to get this job done." When I explained my actions, you accuse me of threatening your job first. Which I think you mean because of the nature and content of my email not because I made a blatant threat. Then you tell me "this is a job so deal accordingly." I refrain from responding what I really wanted to. But I did make an attempt to AGAIN apologize for that email. You didn't acknowledge my apology and claimed that you didn't threaten me, but "just said dont use co communications for our personal issues ....because this is not company issues." I didn't bother to argue the point and just left it alone.

I spent the rest of the shift listening to you cut up with everyone else at work and speak affectionately over the phone with the husband. I fought back the tears as I sat there trying to figure out why you hate me so much now. Wondering what I ever did to you to warrant this kind of behavior towards me. I finally couldn't take it anymore so when the 11 o'clock people came on duty I ran out of there. I cried all the way home. Hell, I spent the whole month of February crying. It hurts tremendously to have someone that means so much to me not return that affection. That someone I considered more dear to me than most of my own family can just throw me away.

I don't expect you to respond to this email. Hell, I am not even sure if you will read it. And I probably just added more fuel to the fire where your anger towards me is concerned. But I needed to say these things. And I guess I'll just have to deal with whatever consequences doing so may bring.

So we will see what happens from here. Man, it has only been 2 days into this new work schedule and I am already a fucking basket case. I told Old Lady Red that I have no idea how I am going to make it through the next five weeks. She just told me that I have to. What a joke!!!!

Can't Win For Losing

So I get to work today and discover that the job responsibilities list is still not updated since the new six week schedule began yesterday. I normally just take the initiative, but I was told that the manager would take care of it. He didn't.

Stick Figure(3:20:47 PM): how come you haven't updated the work schedule...i figured you would do it last night
Camlaw(3:21:07 PM): I have been told to mind my own business
Stick Figure(3:21:33 PM): The Menace or Ms. S
Camlaw(3:22:45 PM): The Menace...kind of...I was told...I will take care of it....Like leave it alone
Camlaw(3:25:32 PM): Do me a favor and ask Joe what he wants to cover... I will update the d@mn thing
Stick Figure(3:31:24 PM): Joe(15:24:59): well i'll just do Chatterbox's part then...at least till he updates it right
Camlaw(3:36:32 PM): OK...I updated it

Next thing I know I receive an instant message from Joe.

Joe(3:38:14 PM): why cant you just ask me? this is a job so get over your personal stuffs to get this job done.
Camlaw(3:39:27 PM): The last time I spoke to you, you threatened my job, so I am just trying to respect your wishes and leave you alone.
Joe(3:39:54 PM): last time you spoke to me you did the same....
Joe(3:40:06 PM): but this is a job so deal accordingly

I began to respond to this with long ass rant. I said that I cannot win. That no matter what I do he treats me with such hostility. That I've tried being nice, hiding out, giving him space and he still manages to chastise me. But instead I just sent this:

Camlaw(3:47:24 PM): the schedule is updated
Joe(3:47:58 PM): the schedule?
Camlaw(3:48:14 PM): the responsibility schedule.
Joe(3:48:28 PM): job duties...oh ok
Camlaw(3:50:47 PM): Just for the record. My intention was never to threaten your job.
Joe(3:51:26 PM): intentional or not, it was.
Camlaw(3:52:49 PM): Then I apologize.
Joe(3:55:26 PM): i never threatend your job...i just said dont use co communications for our personal issues ....because this is not company issues
Joe(3:55:59 PM): so all is done now...so no more talkin bout this on co communications
Camlaw(3:57:11 PM): ok

I am assuming that he means that I threatened his job by using all those cuss words in a company email even though the words were spelled with symbols. But he did threaten me, in all capital letters no less. He threaten to report me to management...not politely ask me to no longer send him personal emails at work. Every one I shared his email with took it as a threat. I didn't feel like arguing the point with him though. He still thinks he did no wrong. It's all my problem, my issue and he is just the innocent bystander.

I plan to leave work a few minutes early to avoid walking with him to the parkinglot. He is just so fucking cavalier and content with the ways things are between us. I can't fucking stand it!

Sorting It Out

So I survived my first night working the new shift. Luckily it was a quiet and slow day so I was able to keep to myself. I actually watched 4 movies. Didn't make it any less awkward or uncomfortable being there though.

I didn't sleep well. I fought to sleep all day Saturday after my last overnight shift ended. I think I finally succumbed sometime after 6pm. I woke up around 2am and decided to watch one of my DVR movies. After the movie I attempted to go back to sleep. After a few hours of dozing (between 4-7am), I finally gave up and just began my day. I had to be at work at Noon anyway and I figured I could get up and get ready at my leisure for a change.

I played on the Internet, wrote out a couple more bills, gathered up the trash, shredded some documents...you know just kind of a piddled around the house for a couple of hours. I finally got in the shower where I unfortunately let my mind wander.

I started having this imaginary conversation with... Anyway, I got so upset and angry. I found myself yelling and banging on the shower walls. The tears inevitably came and I was just a mess again. Why did he call our friendship a leash? Why did he say we had been drifting apart for months when 2 days before we were talking and acting just as close as always? How did I suddenly come to mean so little to him? How can he be willing to bend over backwards for this guy, change his whole life and not even be bothered to give me the time of day?.....DAMMIT! It's been over 2 months since this whole thing began. Why can't I let this shit go?!

I keep wondering if he misses me, if I ever cross his mind, if this situation is even a little bit awkward for him. Old Lady Red says it has to be. As close as we were she can't imagine that it is as easy for him as I seem to think. I told her that if he is able to label me as this jealous, needy leech then I am sure it is. He probably thinks good riddance.

I talk a good game. I have told everyone that starting March 1st (today) I wasn't going to obsess about this anymore. I even had myself half way convinced. But I don't operate that way. I don't just flip a switch like that. I just decided not to discuss this anymore with others. Just keep everything to myself. Not ever mention his name or any observations I have about him to anyone but me...well and this blog.

I still think about him all the time. I see or hear or read something and my first instinct is to share it with him. It seems like every show or movie I watch lately is about friendships, about friends so bonded and loyal to one another. Sometimes it brings me comfort and gives me hope. Maybe one day out of the blue, he will come around and realize that he misses me and sees how important I actually am to him. That he will contact me and try to make things right between us again. But then I wonder if I am setting myself up like I did with the Hollywood version of an ideal family, only this time with the Hollywood version of friendship.

He came to work about 40 minutes early today. Not one word was spoken between us. He even seemed to make a point of talking to everyone else there except me. He walked by my desk several times looking the opposite direction. We ran into each other once when I was at break and he was at lunch. I quickly walked back to my desk looking down at the floor. When it came time for me to leave, I ran out of there as quickly as I could. I looked up to our office windows from the parkinglot to see if he was watching me leave. I never saw him.

When I came home, I check his myspace page. I hadn't looked at it in over a week, but I finally caved. He deleted my last comment to him which was just an invitation to visit my virtual pet. He also changed his status. It now reads that he is being worked by the everyday world and his mood is argumentative. It used to say he was so proud of the husband for getting back on the straight and narrow with his moods ranging from flirty to loved. I can't help but wonder if maybe there is trouble in paradise. That maybe all these changes he is making for that relationship is finally taking a toll on him. I wish I didn't still give a shit about him, but I do. And I worry that if/when this relationship dissolves, he will be completely alone and devastatingly lonely.

I know I shouldn't worry about him since it is obvious he could care less about me. But just because he's an asshole, doesn't mean I have to be one too. I have compassion. And I still care for & love him. And even if I have my moments where I wish he hurt as badly as I do right now, I ultimately want him to be safe and happy. I can't help it.