Sorting It Out

So I survived my first night working the new shift. Luckily it was a quiet and slow day so I was able to keep to myself. I actually watched 4 movies. Didn't make it any less awkward or uncomfortable being there though.

I didn't sleep well. I fought to sleep all day Saturday after my last overnight shift ended. I think I finally succumbed sometime after 6pm. I woke up around 2am and decided to watch one of my DVR movies. After the movie I attempted to go back to sleep. After a few hours of dozing (between 4-7am), I finally gave up and just began my day. I had to be at work at Noon anyway and I figured I could get up and get ready at my leisure for a change.

I played on the Internet, wrote out a couple more bills, gathered up the trash, shredded some documents...you know just kind of a piddled around the house for a couple of hours. I finally got in the shower where I unfortunately let my mind wander.

I started having this imaginary conversation with... Anyway, I got so upset and angry. I found myself yelling and banging on the shower walls. The tears inevitably came and I was just a mess again. Why did he call our friendship a leash? Why did he say we had been drifting apart for months when 2 days before we were talking and acting just as close as always? How did I suddenly come to mean so little to him? How can he be willing to bend over backwards for this guy, change his whole life and not even be bothered to give me the time of day?.....DAMMIT! It's been over 2 months since this whole thing began. Why can't I let this shit go?!

I keep wondering if he misses me, if I ever cross his mind, if this situation is even a little bit awkward for him. Old Lady Red says it has to be. As close as we were she can't imagine that it is as easy for him as I seem to think. I told her that if he is able to label me as this jealous, needy leech then I am sure it is. He probably thinks good riddance.

I talk a good game. I have told everyone that starting March 1st (today) I wasn't going to obsess about this anymore. I even had myself half way convinced. But I don't operate that way. I don't just flip a switch like that. I just decided not to discuss this anymore with others. Just keep everything to myself. Not ever mention his name or any observations I have about him to anyone but me...well and this blog.

I still think about him all the time. I see or hear or read something and my first instinct is to share it with him. It seems like every show or movie I watch lately is about friendships, about friends so bonded and loyal to one another. Sometimes it brings me comfort and gives me hope. Maybe one day out of the blue, he will come around and realize that he misses me and sees how important I actually am to him. That he will contact me and try to make things right between us again. But then I wonder if I am setting myself up like I did with the Hollywood version of an ideal family, only this time with the Hollywood version of friendship.

He came to work about 40 minutes early today. Not one word was spoken between us. He even seemed to make a point of talking to everyone else there except me. He walked by my desk several times looking the opposite direction. We ran into each other once when I was at break and he was at lunch. I quickly walked back to my desk looking down at the floor. When it came time for me to leave, I ran out of there as quickly as I could. I looked up to our office windows from the parkinglot to see if he was watching me leave. I never saw him.

When I came home, I check his myspace page. I hadn't looked at it in over a week, but I finally caved. He deleted my last comment to him which was just an invitation to visit my virtual pet. He also changed his status. It now reads that he is being worked by the everyday world and his mood is argumentative. It used to say he was so proud of the husband for getting back on the straight and narrow with his moods ranging from flirty to loved. I can't help but wonder if maybe there is trouble in paradise. That maybe all these changes he is making for that relationship is finally taking a toll on him. I wish I didn't still give a shit about him, but I do. And I worry that if/when this relationship dissolves, he will be completely alone and devastatingly lonely.

I know I shouldn't worry about him since it is obvious he could care less about me. But just because he's an asshole, doesn't mean I have to be one too. I have compassion. And I still care for & love him. And even if I have my moments where I wish he hurt as badly as I do right now, I ultimately want him to be safe and happy. I can't help it.