Because I Can't Seem To Let Anything Go

I ended up leaving work earlier than I had planned last night. I was just so tired and upset and the thought of being there any longer was like unbelievable torture. I came home and immediately went to bed. I woke up at 4 am and called Old Lady Red at work crying. I told her what happened and she again was wonderful and tried to comfort me. Shortly after I called her though she ended up getting a call. After being on hold for a while I hung up and composed the following email to Joe:

I know I said I wasn't going to contact you again, but after your comments to me yesterday at work I decided that I needed to respond.

I don't understand your open hostility towards me. No matter what I say or do, you respond with such contempt and anger. And I am not sure if you are even aware of it or if it's intentional.

A week after Oliver died, I bought you groceries for your desk even though we had not spoken to one another all week. You didn't thank me, or acknowledge what a nice gesture it was, or even ask me how I have been. You just ask what is this and did I steal from you. Which I had already told you before that I hadn't. I always told you when I took anything from you. Why on earth would I start lying now? Besides we were not at a place where I would feel even remotely comfortable just taking something from you.

Two weeks after Oliver died, I left you a note saying that I miss you and wanted to know if you miss me. When you responded, I stated that it had been 2 weeks since we have spoken to one another and you immediately went into attack mode. All I wanted to know is if you missed me. Things got heated and ended with you saying: DO NOT USE MY WORK EMAIL AS A CONTACT FOR PERSONAL USE....FURTHER USE WILL BE FORWARDED TO MANAGEMENT. This was taken as a threat and at the time you meant it as a threat. It was in all caps!

I called you at home the next day and left a message on your answering machine apologizing for that email. I told you that I realize that our friendship is over, that I will not contact you again, and that I hope you have a nice life. Every time I see you at work, I try to honor my word and leave you alone. Even though it is killing me to do so. Especially when it appears that my absence from your life is no big deal.

Yesterday I asked Stick Figure to speak with you about work because I was not sure how I would be received after our last communication. Again you immediately attacked me. Telling me to "get over your personal stuffs to get this job done." When I explained my actions, you accuse me of threatening your job first. Which I think you mean because of the nature and content of my email not because I made a blatant threat. Then you tell me "this is a job so deal accordingly." I refrain from responding what I really wanted to. But I did make an attempt to AGAIN apologize for that email. You didn't acknowledge my apology and claimed that you didn't threaten me, but "just said dont use co communications for our personal issues ....because this is not company issues." I didn't bother to argue the point and just left it alone.

I spent the rest of the shift listening to you cut up with everyone else at work and speak affectionately over the phone with the husband. I fought back the tears as I sat there trying to figure out why you hate me so much now. Wondering what I ever did to you to warrant this kind of behavior towards me. I finally couldn't take it anymore so when the 11 o'clock people came on duty I ran out of there. I cried all the way home. Hell, I spent the whole month of February crying. It hurts tremendously to have someone that means so much to me not return that affection. That someone I considered more dear to me than most of my own family can just throw me away.

I don't expect you to respond to this email. Hell, I am not even sure if you will read it. And I probably just added more fuel to the fire where your anger towards me is concerned. But I needed to say these things. And I guess I'll just have to deal with whatever consequences doing so may bring.

So we will see what happens from here. Man, it has only been 2 days into this new work schedule and I am already a fucking basket case. I told Old Lady Red that I have no idea how I am going to make it through the next five weeks. She just told me that I have to. What a joke!!!!