Traditions

When I was younger, my family would begin putting up the Christmas tree after Thanksgiving dinner. The guys would be lounging around, watching football, and taking cat naps in front the television. The rest of us would venture up the attic and haul out all the Christmas decorations. I was in charge of untangling the Christmas lights. I was pretty much the only one with the patience. Plus I loved the challenge. However, my patience is limited.

I will spend hours untangling a light strand. But if that damn thing will not light up once untangled, I am done with it. I am not about to sit there and check every stinkin' bulb to make sure they are all connected. I will just go buy a new strand. My aunt though would test each bulb. Screw that! It is better for my sanity to just go buy a new one.

Now as an adult, I try to keep some of my childhood traditions. I worked all Thanksgiving weekend but tonight I plan on putting up my Christmas tree. Of course this is going to be a HUGE challenge for me.

First of all, I have to rearrange my things to make room for my 6 foot Christmas tree. This is a HUGE pain in the ass since my apartment is pretty crammed with furniture. For those of you that don't know, I used to live in a 2 bedroom apartment. My younger sister lived with me at the time. Unfortunately she got us evicted. I was lucky enough to arrange with the complex not to list the eviction on my credit as long as I moved into a one bedroom alone. However, now my home is extremely overloaded. It is very difficult to walk through if I do not keep it clean. Rearranging my things takes skill and a lot of time.

Second of all, Oliver is no help. As I try to pull out all my Christmas decorations, he is under foot with his nosy self watching every move I make. I am tripping all over the place, trying to avoid crushing him and not break my neck at the same time. Then as I pull things out to organize he has to investigate each item by sniffing and sometimes pawing at the them. It is impossible to keep all the ornaments together when the cat is chasing them all over the place.

Finally comes erecting the tree itself. When you have a fake tree you have to separate the limbs by the color coding. Then once you begin placing the limbs in the appropriate slots, you start to fluff out the smashed up branches to make your tree appear more full and vibrant. This process can be very frustrating and tedious. And for a perfectionist like me, it can go on forever.

Last year I was sick and didn't bother with putting up the tree. Right now as I look over the process I just explained to you, I am seriously reconsidering not bothering to put it up this year either. Exhaustion outweighing tradition.

Maybe if I just blink my eyes like a genie the tree will just magically appear. Well, I can dream!!!!

Remember When...

Remember when you were a kid and you sat for hours searching through the Sears and JC Penney catalogs for all the things you wanted Santa to bring you for Christmas? You made sure to bend the pages and circle the toys on each page to make sure your parents knew exactly what you were talking about. And you wrote several letters to Santa promising to be extra good if he just brought you that latest Barbie doll or GI Joe action figure and the new cool board game by Mattel.

The kids nowadays are much more sophisticated. Plus their tastes run much more expensive than ours did when we were their age. First, you got the Leap Frog. This is supposedly a great learning tool, but damn if those accessories are not costly. I tried to get a few things for a friend's little girl and I thought I was gonna have to sell a kidney.

And the older kids are all into the electronics. My little cousin (who was not even 11 years old at the time) already has a digital camera with its own printer for pictures. I don't even have a digital camera! She also has a cell phone and Lord knows what else. Luckily she has not hit that awkward age where you cannot still buy her clothes. I give that another year or two. I usually give her something boring like books. I know. I am so uncool.

And then you have the teenagers. My 16 years old sister is all about the tattoos and piercings and ugly ass clothes. I can't trust her with cash cause she either blows it on cigarettes or some thing even worse. I usually give her a gift certificate of some kind, but it is either not enough money or no place she likes to shop. Walmart used to be a safe place cause she could at least find something there she wanted. However she got caught shop lifting there so now she is banned. I ought to just give her a lump a coal.

And then you have the adults. Our gifts are pretty costly too. From the flat screen, plasma tvs, to the latest video game set, to the coolest electronic device for our computers, none of it falls within my budget. And of course the items that I can afford, the goofy people go out and buy it for themselves first. And then on the very rare occasion when I find something I think they might like or at the very least get a kick out of, turns out to be a disappointment to them.

I try to be sincere and meaningful with my gifts to others. Usually if they tell me something in passing I store that information for later use. And then use that information for buying them something that they might like. But so many people are materialistic that they fail to see the sincerity in my gifts. Damn ingrates!

So this year I decided to write Santa a letter.

Dear Santa,

Please grant me the courage to tell all my friends and family to kiss my ass this year regarding gift giving. I have no desire to sacrifice my sanity to fight for the last gameboy or mp3 player or whatever hot item is out there this year. I don't care to get my feelings hurt when the gift I choose is not what they wanted or even liked. Instead let me spend my money on something that I might enjoy like a DVR or a receiver or a nice set of diamond stud earrings. Let Oliver and I enjoy a quiet evening together instead spending my time monitoring the latest family argument.

I have been a very good girl this year and think my request is pretty reasonable. Please help make this holiday season a pleasant one.

Sincerely,
Camlaw

P.S. And if it is not too much trouble, can I win the lottery too?

Saying Goodbye

NANNEY, JAMES M., Passed away October 28, 2005 in Venice, Florida. Jim was a retired Dallas Police Officer, Traffic Department. He is survived by his wife, Marlene and two sons Curt and Aaron. A memorial service is scheduled for 3 pm Thursday, Nov. 17th at the Dallas Police Association office, 1412 E. Griffin Street, Dallas. Following the service will be a wake at Adair's Saloon, 2624 Commerce Street, Dallas. Cancer ended his life and Jim would be honored if donations in his name be made to Hospice, 220 Wexford Blvd, Venice, FL 34293.


Today was the funeral service for my Uncle Jim. He passed away 3 weeks ago at the age of 62. He was the main father figure in my life. He was not a perfect man. He made mistakes and was not always fair in his treatment of me and my cousins. We cannot change the past mistakes. All we can do is acknowledge them, learn from them, and forgive. For some of us, it is much easier said than done.

I went to visit him shortly before his passing. He was a mere shell of the man that I knew my entire life. I told him I loved him and tried my best to accept the inevitable. But when that call came I was not ready. I know he is in a better place, but selfishly I wish he was still here.

Saying goodbye is never easy. And when someone passes, you tend to question your life. Have you loved enough? Were you loved enough? Are you happy with your life? And when you answer those questions truthfully you may not like what you learn. I am slowly making changes, so that next time I take stock I will like the answer to those questions.

I love you Uncle Jim! You will be sorely missed.

Over-active Mind

So my mind is going 90 miles an hour. I thought maybe if I blogged, I could organize my thoughts and possibly sleep peacefully tonight. I got so many things muddling around in my head that I cannot seem to stay focused on anything.

SEX....S-E-X....some one pointed out to me that I am dangerously obsessed with penis shots in television shows and movies. Believe it or not I am not offended, just worried. Is it a result of penis envy? Am I a pervert? Or is it possibly a symptom of my supposedly repressed sexual desires?

An opportunity has come up at work that would advance my career. Not that I ever really thought of my current job as a career, but I guess it is. Sometimes when you are not looking you tend to stumble into things that wind up being the best thing for you. But anyway....

There is a rumor that many (like 65+) technical positions are available in Little Rock, Arkansas. One lady in my department applied for a position and was made an offer 2 days later. She reports to her new job on Nov 21st. Once I heard of her ordeal, I immediately put in a transfer. That was almost 3 weeks ago. The truth is, most things do not usually work very fast at my company. But I thought that since they were rumored to be desperate enough to hire off the street, that I would be pretty much a shoe in for one of the positions. This waiting around has a very negative effect on me.

You see, once I decide to do something I have to follow through with my decision immediately or I tend to talk myself out of it. Or as time passes the circumstances change making my original decision obsolete. I am a person that tends to over think things so that is why I usually take a long time to decide something. The longer I wait for this opportunity to become available to me, the more apprehensive I become.

I have never bought a car. Every car I have ever had was purchased for me. I don't mean that I never paid for it. I just mean someone else negotiated the terms of the purchase for me. The car I currently own now, my aunt bought through the "A" plan with her company. All I did was find the car, call her up, and she handled everything else. Once the sale was complete, I picked up my car and made all the payments myself. That was almost 10 years ago and I am still driving the same vehicle. I am anxious to buy another car, but also nervous about making the negotiations myself. I don't want to get screwed over.

As you know, I have been house hunting for a few months now. I tried to talk Joe (gay boyfriend) into buying a house for me but he refuses. I explained that all I need is for him to do all the negotiating and crap. I'll just make all the payments. He still said no. He explained that this is one of the great initiations into adulthood. Screw that! I just don't want to be bothered with the headaches! Damn Joe!

But now that I am waiting to hear about Arkansas, I have placed my house hunting and car shopping on hold. No sense in buying a home when I am not going to be here to live in it. And I certainly cannot afford to pay for 2 places. I had thought about buying a little home to fix up and rent out to my mother. She is always having problems with the apartments she lives in. But again, that idea is on hold as well until I know something more about work.

And speaking of work, I received an email yesterday that there are 1000s of jobs scheduled to be "surplused" i.e. downsized. This means that the people in these current positions have a certain amount of time to find jobs else where in the company or they are layed off. That is one of the benefits of being in a union. Most companies just hand you your pink slip and you are gone. Our company gives you 90 or so days to hopefully find something else to do even if it is for less money and in a different area. This may be why I have not heard anything from Arkansas. If the rumor is true, then they are possibly holding those positions for those that truly need the position instead of just wanting it. But who the hell knows?

One of my co-workers made a statement the other day: Jeb Bush for 2008! Cause my ass has not been pounded on enough. He said he was thinking of having bumper stickers made. Needless to say he is a die hard Democrat as is my mother. When I shared this info with her, she cracked up laughing. I found it pretty funny myself.

I consider myself a conservative liberal. Of course "homophobic, narrow minded person" thinks I am just plain liberal. I explained to his annoying ass that I am conservative as far as my own personal rights but I am liberal in view of society's. In other words, I am pro-life for myself and pro-choice for everyone else. I feel it is everyone's right to choose who they love and how they live their life as long as it does not interfere with the rights of others.

This is why I am so for gay rights. I am a product of an interracial couple. During the time that my parents met and fell in love (late 60s early 70s), interracial dating was taboo and dangerous. Majority of society frowned upon the "mixing of races." They endured prejudice from all aspects. My father is from another country and he is a product of an interracial couple. He grew up in a society that embraced differences. Had my parents never met, I would not be here today to grace you with my wisdom and beauty. :p

One co-worker of mine believes that accepting gay marriage is one step away from accepting coupling with animals. The ridiculousness of this statement just boggles my mind. And this person has the ability to vote and influence the decisions made for society as a whole? This thought alone has kept me up at night. This person is entitled to their beliefs but how can they rationalize that statement?

I looked over at Oliver and asked, "You think we should get hitched?" After he meowed at me and left the room, I laughed hysterically at the absurd idea. First of all, he hogs the bed, he does not pay rent nor buy groceries, and oh yeah, HE'S A CAT! We are not even the same species. What kind of future could we possibly have? Besides he is my baby, not my partner. He is probably the closest thing I am ever going to have to a child. And I am not into incest.

Well, I don't feel any better. Sometimes after I blog I feel relieved and sort of peaceful. Like unloading all that stuff has removed a huge weight. But I am kind of depressed now. Penis obsession, no new job, house or car, possible layoffs, gays still have no rights and Oliver refuses to marry me. Who wouldn't be depressed after all that?

The Dangers of Voting...

So today was election day. Unfortunately, my voting experience was not a pleasant one. Had one of the issues not been an important one to me, I would have given up trying to vote. Let's start at the beginning shall we.

First of all, I stayed up too late watching all the taped episodes I had of Prison Break. I am so behind on all my show watching and that is one show I am finally caught up on. Anyway, I overslept and did not get over to vote as early as I had hoped.

Second of all, when I finally got there they did not have me listed as supposed to be voting at that particular location. I ran home to get my voting card I received in the mail stating that I was. Well, in my haste I ended up accidentally leaving my wallet at home, so I had to come home a second time to get my wallet. I eventually ended up taking 2 hours off from work by this point because I definitely wanted to get my vote in. So by the third time I was up there, the lines began getting long.

Third of all, they were holding the voting in this tiny room used for detention instead of the school library or the gym. Anyway, to help speed the process along they were going through the line calling out specific letters like G thru L or M thru S. Well, I fall into the M thru S category as did the guy behind me, so we followed the person to the front of the line and placed our votes.

When I began to leave, this soccer mom mouthed something about me cutting in line. I ignored her as I approached the exit door. Next thing I know she stated something along the lines of "but then I don't expect you people to follow the rules." Well, that went all over me. You people? YOU PEOPLE? What the fuck did that mean?

So there I was, already short tempered as it was because I had been back & forth trying to just vote. Now I got some mouthy bitch complaining about me cutting in line (which is just plain stupid) and then making prejudice remarks (which is just plain ignorant). Needless to say, I got very loud and confrontational. I know I called her a bigoted bitch and asked to see her KKK membership card, but other than that I am not particularly sure what other remarks I made towards her.

We were asked to step outside and then she began demanding that someone call the police because she was "assaulted". I started to leave and she yelled that she would have me charged with leaving a crime or running from a crime or some such awful terminology. So I called my boss and said I may not make it to work because I could be going to jail.

The police finally arrived and took her statement first since she was the one to call. She claimed she was "assaulted" and "feared for her life." He then asked me my side of the story and I explained that I was provoked but only had a heated argument with her, nothing more. So the officer asked both of us if I hit her...NOPE...did I charge towards her...NOPE...did I threaten bodily harm towards her...NOPE. Well, he concluded that there was nothing he could do legally about the situation and suggested we go our separate ways.

So I was an hour late to work where I relayed my story (much to their delight) to my co-workers. They said leave it to me to get in a knock down drag out while I was voting. Hey, I only have so much patience. She was soo lucky I did not clock her ass.

The conclusion of my evening contained the news report that the one item that I had voted on was approved despite its obvious civil rights violations. Those of you in my state know that one of the hottest issues this election day was Proposition 2, the marriage amendment. It was passed by a 3 to 1 voting. I was so devastated. Joe (aka gay boyfriend) told me that it would pass, but I refused to give up hope.

I just cannot believe I am surrounded by such homophobic, narrow minded people! It is such a black and white issue to me. Marriage, according to the law, is a binding contract. It has to be witnessed and mailed off to be established and taken to a court of law to be dissolved. You can call it a marriage, a union, a partnership. Does not matter what you call it, it is simply a contract.

Marriage as a religious term is defined as a ceremony performed in the face of God pledging eternal love and commitment between a man and a woman. That is great. Leave it in the religious realm. But DO NOT create laws pushing your religious beliefs onto society as a whole. That is why we have the separation of church and state.

Next thing you know there will be laws that prevent me from eating meat on Fridays or eating pork at any time. I will not be allowed to dance, or drink, or use birth control. I will have to fast certain times of the year and follow a vow of silence during other times. When I am on my period I will be shunned from the village and kept in a isolated hut. If I have a child out of wedlock I will be stoned to death. The list just goes on and on.

I know you are thinking that this is ridiculous and that my fears are absurd. But are they really? Every one of these examples are taken from different religious beliefs. The first amendment reads:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

In my opinion, Proposition 2 violates this law. Texas is allowing a law to be passed that is based on specific religions' beliefs. I should start up my own religion tomorrow. Have one of my beliefs be the ability of people to love who they want to love despite age, sex, or race. Then these state amendments not only violate human rights, but certain religious rights as well. Then I could fight the legality of this law and hopefully kill it before it can be implemented.

You know, I may just do that...

Foreplay?

So I sent a copy of my last entry to the co-worker I had the conversation with. I had not heard from him so I thought maybe I scared him off. Finally, I heard from him this morning. Here was his response:

Hey--- I just got my computer back after they replaced the hard drive-- which crashed, instantly wiping out 100's if not 1000's of hours of work. After I finish typing this message, I'm going to slit my wrists. As to the blog posting (where is it on the web, by the way?), a lot of the things I said were meant to be incendiary. It's just so fun to piss you off. I apologize if my generalization about black parents offended you, although I reserve my right to my opinion. It's gotten to where any generalization about race is considered racist, even though there are OBVIOUS cultural differences between them. I don't understand what conclusion you're referring to when you say, "Unbeknownst to him, he set off a couple of red flags for me during the course of our conversation which brought me to that conclusion." That I felt I had you figured out? Not in the least... I was more or less showing off my psycho-analysis skills (showing off: another common male tendency). Mostly, though, I was trying to get a rise out of you. "A heated debate is foreplay"? Wow, that's sick. You know what's going on there, right? It's called "trauma bonding." Afraid of true intimacy, the two of you take advantage of disagreements as an opportunity to feel a stronger connection than usual, which elevates into sex. See? I can read you like a book. ;-p

Seriously, though, your last paragraph there seems to indicate that some things I said made you think I had a low or incorrect opinion of you. Well as to the low part, it's not true-- I think you're an interesting person, more so than 95% of the people who work here. And I respect your intelligence and your "Type A" personality--they should serve you well. I'm sure I have some inaccurate impressions, but our conversation wasn't really in a very serious vain, at least from my point of view.

%&$#@

P.S... I didn't explicitly say I thought you had a low self-esteem; I just said, "You're more attractive to others if you feel good about the way you look."

Of course this was posted with his permission. Not that I need his permission to post on my own blog. But you know there is that whole male ego thing. As long as he believes he has some sort of influence or power, he is content. But we all know the real score.

Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) seems to think I am "smitten." Of course according to him, every (straight) male I speak to is the future Mr. Right and I am just too jaded to notice. So I tend to point out the obvious line guys give. So I am immediately turned off by the typical male behavior. I like unpredictability. I prefer compliments that are genuine & not forced. And I hate liars!

So because I tend to be obsessive, I ended up asking another co-worker about guys.

Carrie(19:46:18): Why is it that you (meaning guys in general) tend to get off on riling people (meaning me specifically) up?
Carrie(19:46:28): Is that like some sort of fore play or something?
%*&$(19:47:31): well depends on the guy I guess....I use that as flirting sometimes but not to the point of pissing people off. That would kinda defeat the purpose wouldnt it?
%*&$(19:48:28): but I cant speak for others...
Carrie(19:48:29): I guess then EVERY guy (gay or straight) is flirting with me cause I get harassed all the time!
%*&$(19:48:47): no its cause your so sweet on the phone...
%*&$(19:48:49): lol
Carrie(19:49:12): :-
%*&$(19:49:38): :-P
Carrie(19:50:15): I can't help it that guys tend to react to a nice voice, intelligent banter, and obvious taste. I mean I do not fall for every lame line thrown at me.
%*&$(19:52:59): HA!
%*&$(19:53:44): I think it is more that you are very direct and do not care who you tell how it REALLY is...you do tend to come across as rather.......
%*&$(19:53:56): Im thinking for the right word....
%*&$(19:54:02): FORCEFULL
%*&$(19:54:04): thats it....
%*&$(19:54:14): Im not saying its a bad thing...but you do.....
%*&$(19:54:57): Most rednecks how ever dont like forceful ladies...they like them weak and stupid....
%*&$(19:55:13): I hate to say it but they do....I dont....but there you go....
%*&$(19:55:27): and that is my opinion....that is all....
Carrie(19:55:35): so guys like forceful women....how come a woman in all leather and a whip just came to mind?
Carrie(19:55:57): some sort of "Mistress Carrie"
%*&$(19:55:59): I was referring to rednecks....
%*&$(19:56:17): well I tend to enjoy that but maybe that is too much info.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Carrie(19:56:39): FREAK

So what have I concluded? Guys are weird....I am not jaded, just protective.....and heated debates as foreplay is NOT sick! I have standards when it comes to the men I date. I like passionate people. And I most certainly believe that the men that work for the phone company are jacked up!!!!!