Fantasy vs. Reality

I am torn. I have this inner desire but I am afraid it is something that will never be fulfilled. Every now and again this desire overwhelms me. It brings with it deep introspection and occasional torment. The only comfort I have is the possibility that I am not alone in the delusion. That there are others who share this impossibility. Hell, I know there are. I listen to one of them daily on a radio talk show expressing the same dilemma. Spill it already, right?

Okay, let me begin with the talent for people/society to get lost in the realm of fantasy. We get so caught up in the glamour and perfection that is presented that eventually we demand nothing but the fantasy. Let me clarify.

We honor underage, waif female models as representatives of beauty. We place plastic oddly proportional shaped woman as the epitome of sex. And as we strive to get the average female to fit into these categories, we become increasingly obese and deformed.

We buy these unrealistic stories of romance and marriage. Then when the relationships in our own lives fail to measure up to the ones we try to model, divorce and partner swapping occurs. We go from person to person searching for the impossible.

People are flawed. They have scars and pimples, large asses, small breasts, fading hairlines...and that is the reality. Not the airbrush 13 year old on the magazine cover. Not the movie character on the screen. But the people you encounter daily...with the 7 year old car, out of date hair cut and slightly stained teeth. The people whose clothes don't always match, don't always have a smile on their faces and tend to get on your nerves just as much as they tend to warm your heart.

So what do people like me do? When the idea of a perfect man is Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall...not his looks but his magnetism...strong and determined, passionate and sexy, yet forever loyal and loving towards his family. When questioned about my "type", a list of characteristics are rattled off that not any one person could possibly ever possess.

I watch the people around me with their flaws and obvious imperfections. While I tend to adore being around men, I do not always care for the things that amuse them. Passing gas or any other bathroom related act does not entertain me. The radio talk show host I mentioned earlier is a 44 year old male with a very adolescent sense of humor. He enjoys passing gas anally and orally. He is fascinated by the ritual behaviors of others as they tend to their bodily functions. He dates women much younger than himself and finds humiliating them on the air appropriate. And while he feigns that this is merely "an act" for his show, I still cannot get passed the fact that while he may not be like this 24/7 a part of him does behave this way....show or not.

So I suffer with the inner desire for a companion that mirrors the societal perfection that does not exist. And when most of the time that desire is subdued by the ability to lose myself in the fantasy world, occasionally the emptiness of my life and bed inflame it. Where I surround myself with movies, shows, books, and stories containing that perfected companion, the inability to experience it in the flesh becomes unbearable.

So what is the answer? Hell if I know. It may not be healthy and it certainly may not be a way for one to live their life but I just wait until the moment passes. When I can once again be content with just the fantasy.

Random thoughts....

One of my online buddies requested I write in my blog because "reading them makes me smile." Yeah...okay granted...I think she needs a life, but who the hell am I to judge? It is not like my life is one big amazing party.

So anyway, I was sitting here trying to decide what "entertaining" entry I could post to not disappoint my one fan. But then I realized. I don't write this shit for anyone but me. I write to express myself and keep from going insane. That's when I decided what I wanted to say.

Ever notice how annoying Ashlee Simpson is? I mean I watched a little mini marathon of her show on MTV not too long ago and she bothered me. Not for the obvious reasons either. Yeah she is cute...and rich...and obviously spoiled. But it was not that.

She rambled...I mean just constantly....especially when she was trying to make a toast. Then there was the whining over her boyfriend who obviously needs a haircut. And I am sorry. I know she is supposed to be trendy and fashionable but those clothes are UGLY.

Then I realized that comments like this reveal my age. I am getting old and obviously completely out the realm of "cool". I remember when I was taken by Nirvana. Hell Curt Cobain had no fashion sense either, and I do not think he ventured to the shower often. But to me he was cool. He was a trend setter. He was the voice of my generation. I know if someone like him came out today (which there are many copy cats...sort of) I would be like...Get a haircut! Wash your clothes! Learn about proper hygiene!

What the fuck is wrong with Tom Cruise? Is he really dating Katie Holmes? I know the whole debate still exists out there over his sexuality. And this only tips to the homosexual side if you ask me. Cause it is like he is trying his best to prove something. "See! Look at me! I can get gorgeous women! Really I can!"

Does anyone remember when MTV used to play videos? How about VH1? I bet if I turned either one of them on right now, I would be watching some ridiculous show. Let's see today I saw some sort of dating thing on MTV and then on VH1 was about rocker girlfriends and how the Hilton sisters cannot be embarrassed. Or was that on E!? See I cannot tell them apart anymore!!!!

I remember when VH1 was considered the old folks music station and MTV had all the cool videos. I remember Rock Blocks, Head Bangers Ball, Alternative Nation, Yo! MTV Raps... Now all they have are crappy shows...shows that have little or nothing at all to do with music. And if they do show videos it usually during that awful TRL where they show 10 seconds of a video and then endless minutes of the audience screaming. I cannot remember the last time I actually saw an entire video.

I tried watching MTV2. Another disappointment. More shows. I was so desperate for music videos I ended up watching VH1 Classic. But when they say classic they mean classic. We should have known that Remote Control was the beginning of the end. Damn Kari Wuhrer and Colin Quinn!

How many times is the movie The Italian Job going to be aired on Showtime? I have seen it a dozen times now. I am so glad I never spent the cash to see it at the theater. I am not a big Mark Walhberg fan, but he was surprisingly good in this movie. I could not get passed Handsome Rob though. He is bald but oh so sexy. MMMMM HMMM!

But back to my rant. I turn on the TV and it seems like every day on one of the 6 or so Showtime channels I have that freakin' Italian Job is on. Geez! There are plenty of movies you guys can show. That one is worn the fuck out!

Why on earth does Brittany Spears think she is going to be a MILF? She is already looking worn out & tired and she it not even close to 30 yet! I think when she and Justin Timberlake broke up she lost what little intelligence she had. One of these days she is gonna make her own "Truth or Dare" movie and proclaim Justin was the one that got away. I have noticed her career seems to have pretty much fizzled right now. GOOD! I am sick to death of her like I was of the Spice Girls. I danced a jig when them bitches broke up and disappeared.

Gee do I sound bitter? I know the more intellectual thing to do would be to discuss my political views and debate the ramifications of house and senate issues. But entertainment is much more interesting. Besides, who the fuck would read this long about the idiosyncrasies of our president or the fact that we still cannot find Osama Bin Laudin? We are reminded everyday by the reports of our fathers, sons, husbands, brothers, moms, daughters, wives, and sisters that are shipped off everyday...some returning in a box. And no one can explain exactly why. Oh there is the government spin of protection of freedom and democracy, but realistically it is all bullshit.

So instead of focusing on the pertinent issues of today, which believe me I am very passionate about, I focus on the trivial. Because it is far less heart breaking and alot more fun. Besides if these morons choose to do these ludicrous things in the public, they deserve my wrath.

Ball-less MoFos

Another shitty day at work today. My boss has no balls. And the only thing he has to throw his weight (I stress that word) around is nit picking on the mundane shit. Oliver was sick last night. He is still sick. I was so terrified last night that I took him to the emergency clinic...spent a fucking fortune. I called my boss to tell him I could not make it to work today cause I had no one to watch my sick cat. He told me I had to come in. I told him I would try to make it in this afternoon when I could find someone to stay with Oliver. He said to get there as soon as I could.

Well, I got to work at 3:00 pm. The prick made me go home at 5:30 pm...my normally scheduled shift time. He would not let me make up the time and he counted me as 6.5 hours tardy.

Okay first of all, I work in a 24 hour crew. How hard is it to allow me to make up my time? Or at the very least make up half of my shift and use vacation time for the other half?

Second of all, my shift is 9-5:30. I came in at 3pm, which means I worked 2.5 hours of my shift. Let's see folks 8 minus 2.5 equals 5.5, not 6.5. The fucker should learn basic math.

I am so upset about the whole situation that I could just scream! I went to one of our Union reps and asked him what I should do. He told me to document everything. I think this prick has it out for me. He has been documenting tardies on my attendance without my knowledge. And the date of these tardies is over a month after the fact. I just happened to stumble across it the other day. This guy is a joke!

I have already began my case against him. If he is going to try to drag my ass across the carpet, I plan on being prepared for him. And I will be more than happy to file a grievance. He may be be ball-less but I have HUGE ones!