More Truths Revealed

I got a response from Joe. I was already at work when he replied to me though. I accessed my email this afternoon and read it however. He said:

its not that i dont want us to be friends...i dont want that conversation ever again.....you dont want to hear bout what is in my life and i dont want that conversation, so we dont speak...i guess its the easy way to deal....work stuff is easy to talk bout cus it dont lead to either of our dreaded conversations.

i never WANTED to stop talkin to you...i just never want to have to argue that endless fight again.

im sorry bout oliver too...i know how you must miss him.

I read and re-read this email before I finally responded. I stayed a few minutes late at work to send it to him.

Yes, I miss Oliver like crazy. I sleep every night with his ashes next to my pillow. I still call out for him on occasion without thinking. Plus, I still haven't packed up all his belongings.

And discussing work related items with you is not easy for me. I have a hard time looking you in the eye. I wear my headphones all day so I don't have to hear your voice or overhear your personal conversations. I leave work a few minutes early on the days we work together just so I don't have to walk to the parking lot with you. Some days I just want to scream, "DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL ANYMORE?!"

There were 3 things that I needed from you to get me to end that conversation/endless fight: apologize, recognize my feelings, and reassure me about my place in your life. I didn't think needing these things from you was asking too much. Had you asked them from me, I would've given them to you in a heartbeat. The fact that you wouldn't do the same for me was/is unbelievably hurtful.

I want to be a part of your life, but not without respect…no matter how lonely I am or how much I miss you. But I'm struggling and I wanted you to know that. I guess because a tiny part of me hopes you miss me too. That my absence from your life does affect you. That maybe one day we will reconcile. I guess I just can't let you completely go.

It doesn't get more honest than that folks.

Truths

I've been thinking a lot this past week about things. Mulling over past conversations and analyzing things til my head hurt.

EJ had posted a question to me that I really tried my best answer. She asked what did Joe & I really have in common other than working together. I gave the pat answers of common interests and beliefs. And as she condescendingly listened and dismissed my answers, I decided to do a little soul searching.

The truth is what do I have in common with any of my friends. EJ and I attended college together. She is a divorced single mom with a flexible job. She is very sociable and outgoing. She loves jazz and to travel. We don't see eye to eye on gay marriage or other societal issues. We don't like the same movies or TV shows. She is religious, but not overbearingly so.

McMargie was my college roommate. She is married with 2 kids. She has her own business and is very active in the Catholic church. She comes from a stable home where her parents are still together and are very loving. We don't listen to the same music (she likes country), or watch the same movies or TV shows. Although she does watch Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles which I discovered last week during my visit. HA!

I, on the other hand, am a homebody. I don't make friends easily. I'm not very sociable. I have never been married and don't want kids. I don't like to travel. Hell, I hate just driving to work every day. I love rock music, was never raised with religion, came from a broken and abusive home, and spend most of my time escaping reality through TV and movies. I'm a strong supporter of gay rights. I have a demanding and rigid job. I tend to spend a majority of my time completely alone.

The point is I am friends with these people because we have a connection...a bond of sorts. Some times it is stronger than others, but it is still there. And if I relied only on what we have in common as a criteria for us to remain friends, we wouldn't still be in each other's lives 12-15 years later. This realization got me thinking over my current relationship, or lack there of, with Joe.

So I sent Joe this email this morning. I wrote it the other day and was going to wait to send it to him when I'm on vacation next week, but as usual I changed my mind. I titled it truths.

You're still my best friend...even though you've hurt me so deeply. And it doesn't matter how many people tell me what an asshole you are. And it doesn't matter that you no longer want me to be your friend, let alone best friend. I can't deny that you are still mine.

My first instinct is still to share whatever I saw or read or heard or experienced or discovered with you. I still value your opinion over everyone else's. And I worry about you although I probably shouldn't. I think about you all the time even if lately there have been days where I harbor this overwhelming urge to punch you in the face. I still care.

I really miss you. That doesn't change anything though. I still want what I want, as do you. But I thought you should know that none of this is easy for me. That I go to work everyday trying to respect the way things are between us now...to keep my distance and leave you completely alone. Some days are harder than others.

The truth is if you came to me right now and said you needed me or my help I would do everything in my power to be there for or give it to you. I love you and that hasn't changed. I just wanted you to know.

We'll see if/how he responds. I know so many people think I'm crazy for still caring about him. I feel what I feel and I won't apologize for that. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else. Hell, it doesn't make sense to me! But then emotions are not logical or rational. Once you come to that realization, it becomes easier just to go with the flow.

The Stupid Games That People Play

I want it all to stop. The anger and hurt feelings and games and frustration. All of it. I just want it to be over. And I keep trying. I try to ignore him, not engage him, keep to myself and not deal with him. But it is very difficult with him sitting 4 desks away, walking by my desk several times a day, talking way too loud across the room to everyone we work with with such fake friendliness and sending me obnoxious instant messages like he did last night after I left. It's all mind games and I'm sick of it.

[Sat 03/21] Joe (8:01:11 PM): you dint send me a q to let me know you were leavin

I got this instant message this afternoon when I logged in at work. Why on earth would I want to have any further communication with Joe after the blow up we had? I was trying to get out of there last night before I did something that would cost me my job. I notified our other co-worker of my leaving as a common courtesy. Joe could've gone and fucked himself for all I cared. I started to respond that I'm sick of his games, but I decided not to. Responding would just be inviting more of the same bullshit.

What I don't understand is that HE ended the friendship. I finally accepted it 2 months later and have done everything I can to respect his decision and stay away from him. I don't call him, send text messages, talk to him at work, or bother him in anyway. Yet he still treats me with such disdain. I didn't end the friendship, he did. I fought for 2 months to reconcile and he refused. So why am I the bad guy?

My mom told me she was proud of me last night. She said most people would be vindictive and bitter and try to go after the people that hurt them. I told her that I never thought of doing any harm to him or his property until recently when all I want to do is punch him in the face. But that is a provoked response to his behavior towards me and not my usual nature. And I have been very successful in not fulfilling the violent urge. Although last night I was really tempted to just go for it. The smug bastard.

I told EJ last night that I want him knocked down a peg or two. Not like sick or hurt or anything, but just have something happen where he will stop bothering me. Whether it's a self revelation or someone putting him in his place. Just whatever it takes for him to be a fucking human being towards me and not a complete asshole. EJ told me I needed to confront him in the parking lot. I told her all that will do is add fuel the fire. Cause every time I have tried to talk to him before, his behavior towards me just got worse. She ended up agreeing with me.

So far today has been okay. Although the rumor mill has started. Supposedly the rumor is I just walked out last night. Like I just left without the boss' knowledge or something. I told 2 people what had happened but I'm curious to see how the rumor mill spins the tale tomorrow.

Joe and I have not spoken to one another and he has pretty much stayed quietly at his desk. I have my headphones on so that I don't have to hear his voice or overhear any of his personal conversations. Just 4 more hours left of my shift and then I can escape until tomorrow. I can't wait!

Keeping The Violent Tendancies At Bay

Last week was a really shitty week. Last night was just the icing on the cake. Joe and I had a rather loud argument last night resulting in me leaving work ill and coming home before I gave in to my overwhelming urge to beat the living shit out of him.

I left McMargie's extremely anxious and absolutely dreading returning to this nightmare environment. I had spent 2 blissful nights away from the bullshit and the mere idea of returning to it had me in knots. I mean I was literally in tears when I expressed to McMargie my desire not to come home.

I arrived to work 30 minutes early since I drove straight to work from McMargie's. I was tired from not having slept well the past 2 days. Plus I was stiff from the intense drive in. Not a good combination I now realize. Joe was his typical fake-ass self. Being overly friendly to everyone he normally wouldn't be bothered with. No words were exchanged between us as usual and I kept to myself working on getting my workload handled.

About 3 1/2 hours into my shift, I discovered a somewhat pressing item on my work load. When I did some investigating, I discovered that Joe was contacted about the work item and did not bother to handle it. I sent him a instant message and he did not reply. I discovered it was because he was not at his desk, but away at break. When he walked by my desk I turned to face him with I'm sure was a very sinister glare from the reaction he gave me. I asked him if he was called about the work item. He said he was. I asked if he had referred it to the manager. He hadn't, so I told him I would handle it and turned around to do so.

While I was in the process of calling the duty manager of that area, Joe decides he is going to handle the work item too. That just pissed me off even more. I walked down to his desk to ask him why he was even bothering now. He was successful in getting in touch with the manager and proceeded to refer the item to the manager. By this time it had been almost an hour since the item was first referred to Joe. Well, my standing at Joe's desk just pissed him off because he felt I was babysitting him which I wasn't. I had actually wanted to talk to the manager and give him the info I found out about the work item during my investigation.

Things got heated between us. I'm not even sure what all was said. I know he told me that the work item was no big deal, and how hard was it for me to even read it. He told me he still had the item up on his desk and was just at break. And I was just mad because he didn't answer my instant message. I told him that I have already had my ass chewed out for something similar earlier this week. That he just comes and goes as he pleases while the rest of us communicate with the crew when we go to lunch and breaks. That I have found other things he hasn't bothered to handle and I hadn't said anything.

I was just getting madder and madder. I finally told him I needed to walk away. I was to the point where I knew I was going to say or do something that I would regret and could cost me my job. Joe mouthed off a couple of more things, as did I and then I stormed off. I called EJ just fuming. I was so angry that I burst into tears. I told her what had happened and she convinced me to call my boss and tell her I was ill and needed to go home. And that is just what I did.

Before I left, I sent our other co-worker an instant message letting him know I was leaving. Then I packed up my shit and ran out of there. I called EJ and cried all the way home. I was just so angry. Plus I can't seem to make anyone understand how much all of this has taken a toll on me.

Everyone keeps telling me Joe is not worth all this grief. That I need to just get over it and move on. I'm trying to. Unfortunately, my emotions and feelings don't just shut off like a fucking switch. I cared deeply for him. I still do. Just because he turned out not to be worth the depth of my feelings doesn't mean I can just automatically shut them off. It takes time. And it doesn't help that I still have to face him 3 days a week for at least 5-9 hours each day.

I figure today will be better. Yesterday was just a bad day. I was hyper-sensitive and ill equipped to deal with his bullshit last night. I got some rest and I feel better than I did yesterday. So we will see what happens.

Friendship Theories

Today is not a good day. I have so many mixed emotions. I'm angry and sad and longing. I miss my friend even if he is an asshole and I have this overbearing urge to punch him in the face. I was talking to Mo-Mo today and she was telling me about these theories on friendships. She even sent me this email about it:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person...

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

It all makes sense in theory, but I am just not in a place to accept any of these theories right now. Maybe tomorrow.

Fake Ass Prick and the Ridiculous Job Steward

Joe is so fucking FAKE!!!!! He has been spending all his time at work lately talking to Stick Figure (who he cannot stand) and other co-workers that he normally wouldn't give the time of day to. And it's not just conversations he is having but over the top friendly conversations. Laughing and cutting up like he is their new best friend or something. I thought I was the only one that noticed. I found out today that I wasn't.

I made a comment today about how much I wanted out of our work crew because I am tired of not knowing who my friends are. Even those that I thought were my best friend for over 3 years turned out not to be my friend. That prompted Chatterbox to make a comment that she knew that me and Joe had a tiff. I informed her that it wasn't a tiff. That the friendship was over. I did not go into detail however.

She responded that the people you work with are just co-workers not friends. I explained that Joe was different. He had keys to my house and I had thought of him like family. That I was crushed that our friendship ended the way that it has. She was shocked.

I told her I couldn't stand how fake acting he's been with our other co-workers. That it makes we want to do things that I can't say out loud at work, but I did make some hand gestures. She laughed & said she wouldn't report me. She also said that she noticed Joe was not only being friendly but over the top friendly lately. I thanked her for validating my exact observations. She said that Joe told her that he couldn't stand Stick Figure yet she has seen him going out of his way to speak with Stick Figure recently. She said it was like Joe is trying to show how great his life is now. I said that I'm not fake and don't pretend to be something I'm not. I try to tell people like it is. And if anything this whole experience has made me pull away and keep to myself more.

Eventually we talked about work and the state of negotiations for our upcoming contract. We talked about getting second jobs and how poorly our job steward is keeping us informed. We discussed the form that we supposedly need to fill out to get strike pay. That we had to find out about it from other people and not our own job steward. It's so frustrating not knowing what is going on and not have the union support we need.

It was another long day but I survived. How? I have no idea.

Ignoring Urges of Violence

I didn't want to go into work today. The whole drive to work my stomach was in knots. I had no desire to see Joe. I'm tired of ignoring him and pretending that sitting four desks away from him doesn't bother me.

I called McMargie and asked her if the invitation still stood for spending Thursday night through Saturday morning at her home. She assured me it did and told me that I should never be afraid of overstaying my welcome. She said that I rarely come to visit and if I did come more often she would get upset if I came over more than once a week. Got to love her!

As soon as I got to work, I immediately put my headphones on. I kept my head down and watched several movies to pass the time. My work load wasn't too heavy and I was able to keep up with no real problems or concerns.

But then I made the mistake of looking at the other work loads. Things hadn't been done. Once I brought it to every one's attention, Joe started asking the other co-worker working with us about it. Joe said that the other co-worker was responsible for that area until a certain time. The other co-worker thought he was covering a different area. I tried to speak up but no one would listen to me. It was just a mess.

I finally walked away from my desk disgusted. I just wanted to punch someone in the face...particularly Joe. I ended up calling my mom and EJ to help calm me down instead. They both said punching someone in the face wasn't worth losing my job over. I know that. Then EJ made a point of telling me that my co-workers usually don't work and that I'm just overly irritated today because of all the other bullshit I am dealing with.

Eventually I calmed down and went back to my desk. The work was finally done. I made it through the rest of my shift with no violent outbursts and left 2 minutes early to avoid walking out to the parking lot with Joe. Now if I could just get through the next two days peacefully. Then I won't have to see Joe again until next Saturday. Woo Hoo!

My Mother and Me

Today is my mother's 59th birthday. I took the day off from work to spend it with her. I do this every year because I believe birthdays should be celebrated no matter what age you are.

So I packed up my car with Oliver's left over food and treats (my mother has 2 indoor cats and feeds a slew of stray cats outside) and the tons of Wal-Mart plastic bags I had collected (she goes through them like water). I didn't buy my mother a gift this year because mainly I'm trying to save every little of bit of money I can for the possible strike next month.

I stopped and bought her a birthday cake...chocolate of course...on my way to her apartment. I arrive a little after 12:30pm. We stayed at her place for a little while before leaving to have lunch somewhere. Now my mother never goes out to eat unless I or someone else takes her. Her idea of going out to eat is McDonald's. I asked her where she wanted to go and she said she could try something different like....Wendy's. I just looked at her like she was crazy. I explained that we should go to a sit down restaurant and not a fast food place. She offered IHop since she had been there not too long ago and it was sit down. As you can see, my mom is all about the high dollar places.

I said we should drive around and see what places were available in her area. She pointed out a KFC and a couple of other fast food restaurants as we drove by. I just shook my head at her. During our driving around, McMargie returned my call and invited me to come visit her on my days off next week. I had called McMargie on my way to my Mom's to see if McMargie was available next Friday, her birthday. I hadn't seen her since her birthday last year and I thought I could make the 2 hour drive up to see her. I was only planning on staying the day, but she invited me to stay a couple of days. I was hesitant and said I would think about it.

After driving around for a while, Mom & I finally just ended up at IHop. The place wasn't crowded and the staff was extremely friendly. I tried to decide if I wanted breakfast or not and Mom said she wanted a cheese burger. When the waitress asked her if she wanted fries or onion rings, my mother said neither and opted for broccoli instead. BROCCOLI?! Who the hell eats broccoli with a cheese burger?! OLD PEOPLE! That's who!

Anyway, we talked while we waited for our food. We discussed movies, documentaries, the economy and my crazy life the past couple of months. It was a very pleasant and relaxed time.

After lunch we went back to her apartment. Mom wasn't interested in catching a movie or doing anything else. So we just hung out at her place talking, eating cake and watching TV all night. We watched so many different shows including a mini-marathon of a REPO show on Tru TV. We got the biggest kick out of the people getting pepper sprayed on there. Neither one of us had watched the show before and found it very entertaining.

I also tried to entice my Mom's male cat (I nicknamed him Buuuub-ba because he is so big & fat) for my own selfish reasons. I kept shaking a cat treats bag at him trying to get him to come close enough to me so I could grab him for a cuddle. He was too skittish though. Seeing and being around him just made me long for my Ollie. Man, I really miss my boy!

Mom tried to convince me to spend a few days with McMargie. She told me I need to get away and spend time with my long time friend. Plus I haven't seen McMargie's new baby daughter and she is over 6 months old now.

Spending time with McMargie has always been a very soul soothing experience for me. There is just something about being around her that makes me feel relaxed, loved and safe. It's kind of like a sanctuary for me. And I'm very protective and leery of using it too often. I guess I don't want to ever spoil it or lose that place for me.

So I left Mom's apartment around 1030pm. She hugged me and thanked me profusely for spending the day with her. I told her she never has to thank me for that. She never did hear from Baby Sister. Not that I'm at all surprised. My sister has never been one for birthdays except her own. I keep hoping she'll grow up one day. Maybe next year.

Saying Goodbye, Letting Go, and Coming to Terms

So after my little revelation on Wednesday night, I have been at peace. I woke up Thursday for the first time with no ache in my chest and no preoccupation with my losses. I slept and watched TV and just relaxed. I didn't even bother to check my emails until yesterday before I got ready for work. In it was a response from Joe for the email I sent him Tuesday morning. I was surprised and a little leery to read it. But I did and this is what he said:

bottom line i read all your emails, and am still sick of the original argument and will do anything up to and including avoiding you all togethert to not have it again.

just agree to disagree and move on...otherwise i am never speakin to you again...

I had to laugh at this email. It just solidified what people have been telling me regarding this entire situation and Joe. This is the response that I sent this morning titled "goodbye":

In other words, I'm to ignore the apology owed to me, ignore the disregard for my feelings, ignore the cruel treatment towards me the past couple of months and THEN you will grace me with your presence. That’s not a true friendship, Joe. That's you trying to control me. And I realized that you have done this our entire relationship. You always threatened to take away your friendship if I didn't do whatever you wanted me to. And I always gave in because I never wanted our friendship to end.

Every time you have gotten upset with me or your feelings hurt, I always made the effort to try to smooth things over and make things right between us again. I always apologized and called and begged no matter if I understood why you were so upset or not. And when you had your times of self doubt and insecurity, I tried to build you back up and reassure you. Because as your friend....your best friend....that was what I needed to do. And I never minded or thought of it as a burden, because you are important to me.

But what I have finally learned during this whole nightmare experience is that you are either unwilling or unable to do the same for me. We obviously have different definitions of friendship. And while you are very generous with material things, you are very selfish emotionally. You believe that only a lover deserves your respect for and consideration of their feelings and emotions. Where as I believe anyone you care for deserves that respect. I would have never compared our friendship to a leash. I would have never told you that your feelings are not worth my time. I would have never ignored you during a time of grief. And I most definitely wouldn’t have purposely hurt you to make a point.

So bottom line for me is that while you see this as a simple argument that I refuse to let go of, I see this as a total disregard for me and my feelings. In a way, I do agree to disagree. I just don’t accept the terms of such an agreement. I realize that you will never apologize to me. You will never acknowledge and recognize my feelings. And you will continue to justify your cruel behavior towards me the past couple of months as acceptable since you have defined me as this jealous, petty person.

I still care for and love you, Joe. But I am not willing to over look these things for whatever little scraps of attention and affection you deem fit for me to receive. If I did, then I would be saying that it is acceptable to treat me this way and allowing for it to happen again. I'm no longer willing to do whatever it takes to keep this friendship, especially when I now know that it and I mean so little to you. So no matter how painful it is for me to let you go and for me to accept the fact that you are no longer a part of my life, I have to.

Like I have said before, I wish you a long, happy & healthy life. Take care.

I typed up this email before going to work yesterday. I had decided to wait to send it Monday night after work because I knew I wouldn't have to face Joe for 4 days afterwards. But I changed my mind. That's just me hiding again, and I don't want to do that anymore. We worked well together yesterday and that was after I had read his email & wrote out my response although he hadn't read it yet. So I woke up this morning and decided to just go ahead and send it now.

Hopefully he will take it well and we'll continue to work together with no problems. I'm finally letting him go. I now realize that he is never going to be the friend I thought he was or should be. He is who he is and that's okay. I'm just not willing to accept whatever crap he throws my way in the name of friendship anymore.

UPDATE... 3/8/09 11:30a

Joe's resonse to my email:

you keep tellin yourself all these lies....it'll make it all easier.

I have not responded and will not respond. No need. He is calling me a liar now. I guess I wasn't disrespected. I guess he didn't tell me that he didn't have time for my feelings. I guess he didn't ignore me after Oliver died. I guess he didn't just tell me that I either need to do what he wants, or he will never speak to me again. I imagined it all. WHAT A FUCKING JOKE!!!!!