Disgusted...

It has been quite a while since I posted and that bothers me. This is a very therapeutic function for me and I have abandoned it lately. And to be honest, its obvious absence in my life has had a very profound affect.

Anyway, the reason for my return is my disgust with people. As you may or may not know I am a slave to the fantasy world. I do not mean I go around declaring I am some sort of fictional character or that I cannot decipher between reality and fantasy. I just mean that the world of fantasy (i.e. television and movies) has been a wonderful and necessary escape from my relatively shitty life. I tend to immerse myself in all things fanatical to a point. Jesus, I am not making any sense! Let me explain.

I tend to find a show (or movie) that I can lose myself in. I look forward to viewing it everytime it airs and during its airing the whole outside world stops. I do not answer the phone. I do not answer the door. The cat can cry all he wants for attention until the show ends. I do not move. I do nothing but watch. I have pretty much done this my whole life.

As a child it was books and music. As a teenager and adult it became movies and television shows. I could sit here and explain that I was an emotionally, physically and sexually abused child/adult and have managed to survive because of my abilities to escape through these things, but that is not really necessary to explain nor the fucking point.

Anyway, the first show I completely immersed myself in as a teenager was Twin Peaks. I was about 15 and had absolutely no control over what we watched in our home. This quirky show came out and my aunt and older cousin (I happened to live with them at the time - I did mention shitty life right?) had fallen for the show. I myself was captivated by its unexplainable and bizarre plot twists and themes.

As an adult, my first show was The X-Files. I was in college and the very first episode blew me away. The show was edgy and unpredictable and David Duchovny just mesmerized me as Fox Mulder. I would watch the show and tape it at the same time just in case I missed anything during the first viewing. My friends and family thought I was insane. I pretty much devoured anything David Duchovny ever acted in during my X-Files obsession. I collected pictures and tid bits of the show. But during this entire time, I had absolutely no desire to meet Mr. Duchovny nor know anything about his extremely personal life. Sure knowing he had a dog and didn't finish college with only one semester left was interesting but I was much more enthralled with his acting career.

Since then, I fell in (and out of) love and somewhat obsessed with shows like Murder in the First, Buffy, Angel, Ally McBeal, OZ, Roswell, Carnivale...movies like Shawshank Redemption, Boyz In The Hood, My Own Private Idaho, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Face Off, Bad Company (I could go on forever)...but until recently, none of these shows or movies have captured my heart and soul like Queer as Folk.

Queer As Folk is a show on Showtime adapted from the British original by the same name. It contains an ensemble cast of both gay and straight actors depicting gay life in America. Set in the glorious town of Pittsburgh, this group of friends and family endure day to day life dealing with self discovery, maturity, adulthood, death, disease, prejudice, violence, love, hate and pretty much everything humans endure in today's society. The fact that they happen to be gay does nothing to diminish the struggles these characters face. Unfortunately like all wonderful things, this show is ending. And I feel like a small part of myself is dying with it.

During my discovery of this show, I have become obsessed with two of its main actors like most of the fans have. However, my obsession again is based on their works...movies, plays, guest appearances, etc. I have no desire to know the intimate details of their lives nor meet them in person.

Today a fellow fan approached me with news/rumors of a "secret sex tape" of one of these actors. She was so excited and could not wait to see this item if it truly existed. I quickly explained to her that I had no desire to see such a thing. That I have spent years seeing this actor naked and simulating sex on television. He has never come across as virginal or proper so who cares? She proceeded to inform me that the sex on TV is not real. I countered that if my imagination is so dull that I need to see the live act, then I am beyond pathetic. I then explained that if she had found a tape of his audition for the show or a taping of one of his plays, then I would be thrilled. Turns out, I am one of the minority in this way of thinking.

So that is what brought me here tonight. My disgust. No wonder famous people tend to become reclusive. And it saddens me as a fan. I enjoy their talent. They possess a quality that I look forward to seeing in future works. I just hope they do not become disenchanted and decide not to share it.