Adventures in Home Ownership

Not even in moved into my home 24 hours and I manage to lock myself out of the house yesterday. You see there is this flimsy door between the garage and the laundry room and the door knob on it is a total piece of shit. The knob turns even if the lock is engaged. Hence, how I managed to lock myself out.

So let me set the scene for you. My first official night in my new home, I locked every lock on my doors and windows. I know this sounds silly cause I have spent the night here before, but for some reason staying a full night versus 5+ hours sleeping in the guest bed meant something different to me. So I locked all the deadbolts and knobs and whatnot which I hadn't been locking before.

Anyway, when I was getting ready to leave I set the alarm and went out the door to the garage. I got in the car and realized that I didn't have my cell phone with me. When I tried to get back in the house through the laundry room door, I discovered the door knob was locked. I tried every key they gave me at closing and none of them worked. I stood there for a minute and contemplated my options.

I looked around my garage and tried to find something to use to break in cause as I said before this is a shitty door. It was one of the few items we haggled about when closing on the house. I asked the previous owners to replace it and they refused saying it was a new door. I found the entire issue petty so I didn't push to have it replaced. It's on my list (which is long as hell) of things to do myself.

Unfortunately, I was unsuccesful in my burglary attempts. I thought about trying the back yard door but remembered I dead bolted it. I then drove around the front of the house and realized that the front door was dead bolted too. So I decided to just go ahead and go over to my apartment. I would just bug Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) later to help me break into my house. Bewtween the 2 of us I knew we could break in here.

Of course, I couldn't call Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) cause I had no cell phone and the geniuses at the phone company shut my phone off at the apartment on Tuesday instead of today like I asked them to. So I waited as late as possible and drove over to his house after I was done for the day at my apartment. He works nights, so I didn't want to wake him too early.

I arrived at Joe's (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) house at 6:45pm. I rang the doorbell 4 times before he finally answered. He opened the door wrapped in sheet with one eye cracked open and the other one squinted shut. Needless to say I woke him up. I quickly explained that I needed his help as I barged into his home. I was talking 90 to nothing while I sat on his love seat trying to explain my stupid situation. He just sat there staring at me with this blank expression on his face. I finally stopped rambling and asked him if he wanted me to sit quietly and let him process what I was saying. He told me no and to continue talking. He eventually began asking questions to clarify my story and assess the situation.

We discuss the shitty door and the lack of difficulty in breaking in through it. We realized that the previous owners must have switched the door knobs cause that door knob was originally on the back yard door. Then Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) proceeded to tell me what specific tool I would need and how exactly I would use said tool to break into my house. Even in his sleepy state he walked into one of his rooms a produced this tool instantly. He explained that this would more than likely be a 3 fold process and demonstrated each step expertly. I sat in awe and had to ask the blatant question. "Is there something you need to tell me? Do you have a side job I don't know about?" He gave me this little smirk and ignored my questions.

So I left Joe's (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) house armed with this special burglary tool and his cell phone. Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) opted to stay home cause one, he was tired and two, he needed to get ready for work. We had enough time alloted for Joe (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) to come over just on case my attempt to break into my house myself failed. Took me all of 15 seconds to break in. I don't know if it's because of Joe's (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) expert instructions or specific burglary tool or a combination of both. Needless to say, I won't lock that door knob anymore.

So I drove up to hell - I mean work - to drop off Joe's (a.k.a. gay boyfriend) cell phone & special burglary tool. I also left the gifts I have for Funky Cold and Dilbert on their desks. I must say that the gifts came out awesome. The engraving is so beautiful. I stopped at Hallmark and got a couple of cards, a bag and some tissue paper to wrap them in. That in itself was a chore cause Hallmark mostly had Father's Day stuff in bright froo-froo colors. Took me a while to find something appropriate. But the gifts look great and I can't wait for them to get them. (pats myself on the back for being so generous and thoughtful)

I am totally exhausted though. I think I will lay back down again before I get up and get ready for work. I was going to make a run to the apartment today, but I can't seem to keep my eyes open. I will be so glad when this move is OVER!